I have never been one with a proclivity towards having a strong sense of faith in the unknown. I have had an increasing and alarming rise in hopelessness in my life over the past few months. I could sit and blame it on the timeline of things I was experiencing (aka the one year anniversary), I could blame it on my complete lack of quiet time with God, I could blame it on anything and everything.
But I'm choosing not to blame it on anything, I'm going to stand up and take full blame for this one. In my head I had let a rush of fears come in, clouding my vision of the future, and leading me to a lane of pure hopelessness. I have walked with an intense fear that I will never find love again, I will never have a family, I will always be alone. I let this fear fill me more and more until I reached a crossroads. A crossroads where I could choose to continue in my destructive thought patterns or I could make the decision to Actively Pursue Hope.
So I'm trying. When my fears start to rise or the loneliness overwhelms to the point I feel as if I cannot breath, I push those thoughts out of my head. I am Choosing to pursue hope, to run after it full speed with my arms stretched open, reaching to grasp this beautiful unknown gift I have yet to fully understand, and the more I run after it the bigger it gets in my life. And until the next chapter of my life begins and my hope becomes reality, I am choosing to continue running after it without thought to the unknown I face.
"there is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off"
-Proverbs 23:18
"Once you choose hope, anything's possible"
-Christopher Reeve
"Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all,
is to see life as it is, and not as it should be"
-Don Quixote
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"
-Albert Einstein
"Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality,
If you can dream it, you can make it so"
-Belva Davis
This is my personal favorite~
"May the love hidden deep inside your heart
find the love waiting in your dreams.
May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow
Wipe away the pain in your yesterday"
-Unknown
For me, having hope for my future is definitely new territory for me. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment where I reached my crossroads. Maybe it was watching the movie "Yes Man", where the main character who was lonely and living a pathetic life was radically changed when he began to actually try things he never had before. Maybe it was watching a YouTube video of a baby rolling around in its Momma's tummy. Maybe it was watching the show "Say Yes to the Dress", where the show is all about brides picking out wedding gowns. I'm not sure if it was one thing in particular, but through the progression of things in my life lately, I can see a clear, and wonderful future for myself. A future full of love, restoration and Hope!
The more I dive into this subject, the more I'll write...
1 comment:
Saturday was the 3 year anniversary of my young husband's death (if you want to know more about my journey, check out my blog: http://foodiemonologues.blogspot.com/)
You said, "I have walked with an intense fear that I will never find love again, I will never have a family, I will always be alone."
... That is my biggest fear...
I hurt so badly to have a child. And I am not getting any older. I'll be 29 in May.
Also, what man would want to carry the baggage that a widow brings? And furthermore, he has a whole heck of a lot to live up too.
Keep looking forward, and go through the grief too. It is the only way out (with the help of Christ... of course!).
I am praying for you.
Hugs!
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