Tuesday, May 18, 2010

And another dream...

I have written a few times about the powerful dream I had in 2008 that became the catalyst for hope. I held a necklace in my hand that contained my fiance's name and mine and a miniature sewing kit. When I woke up I felt like God spoke to my heart that "this relationship will mend your broken heart". I held onto that dream like a liferaft in a sea of hopelessness. Each time that I felt like my dream was slipping away, I reminded myself of that dream. I cherished it and made it my prayer, and stood on it as a promise straight from my Lord. It came in a season where I wasn't ready to enter into another relationship, and still I held it knowing that it was coming.

A struggle I have been experiencing is the pain of infertility's fingerprint on my heart. When I was married before we tried for three years to have a baby, and went through fertilty treatments and nothing worked. I saw God's hand in that situation and I thank Him for that unanswered prayer. However, the deep desire in my heart to be a mother still remains. I am consumed with the knowledge I have in my head about my previous infertility and my PCOS hormonal imbalance. I know the science behind my inability to get pregnant, I know my hormones are messed up. Its always in the back of my head. Andrew and I went into this marriage, knowing that we may never have biological children and he was okay with that. We both knew that if we couldn't have a baby, that there are lots and lots of children here that need a mom and dad to love them. We knew God had a plan for us as parents. And still my heart was hurting so badly. I wanted so badly to know the feeling of carrying life and the gift of being a mom. Through this, we decided we are not starting a family until Andrew is done with Ministerial Classes, which will be next year. Or maybe even longer.

This is all background.

Saturday night I had a dream. It was short. It was simple. It was profound.

I was having a picture taken of me, my 9 month pregnant belly, and baby blocks that spelled "Nathan".

I woke up from that dream, thinking "I dont even like the name Nathan". Which made me, and Andrew laugh. Well a few days later out of curiousity I went online to see what the name Nathan meant. It means "God has given" or "Gift from God".

Its funny how once again, one simple dream can make such an impact on my spirit. It was like a sweet whisper from God reminding me that He has a plan for me. That my dreams are not forgotten, He holds them in His hands, where they are safe and being formed & prepared. I am so encouraged. Its just like the first dream...its a challenge to stand on hope and reach out in faith knowing that my dreams are still alive and thriving. These are the times where proclaiming that our God is an Awesome God comes as naturally as breathing...

"Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They are all just passing by
Its not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I've been lifted higher
Yahwehs lifted me in His own strength"
- "I Need You" the Swift

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."
- Psalm 126:5

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Even 2 years later...

Here I am.

731 days after my whole world fell apart. I have been testy, emotional, short, snappy, dazed, confused, sad, and just distant this week. Even in the happiest time of my life, that precious gift called "memories" and "grieving" pop back in.

Here's a run down of things since last we talked.

In April God blessed me with the opportunity to begin dating someone absolutely wonderful and amazing. Someone who took care of me, opened the door for me, and made me feel simply complete. And as you can see from the picture...we got married in late November. Hehe (silly, teenage girl laugh)

There is no greater gift that getting another chance to love again. It is twice as sweet, twice as fulfilling, twice as cherished. Andrew is everything I've ever wanted, and I'm so blessed to be able to feel love again.
Amid all my happiness, I still feel the grief within me. Its that place within my heart that only God knows how deep my love was, and how much deeper the loss is. No amount of happiness or healing will ever fill that place. It has not crept up on me for almost a year, and then this week happened. I am at a loss for words on how I feel. The memories, they haunt me. They are just as clear as they were two years ago. The hopes and dreams I watched die remind me of what happened. My body and mind are suffering from the memories.

I guess the lesson I am learning, is I am not invincible. I am not perfect. I am not Superwoman. I am real, and I hurt. And even while being in the happiest place of my entire life, I still feel the sense of loss that occurred. I praise God for being who He is, where He is leading me, and how even when my heart has this one corner of overwhelming sadness - God is constantly filling it up.

Psalms 147 : 3 - "He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds"

I'm praying the Lord uses my brokenness to help others heal. I have felt unstoppable, and I'm coming to a place where I clearly know that the only way I will ever be able to get through this annual "holiday" (a term dubbed by my sister to remember what happened this week in 2008), the only way I will ever get through this...is to simply remind myself that He is God, and if He knows the plan, then all I have to do is simply trust and learn how to lean in closer to Him.

Thank you Lord for the gift of being able to lean closer to You.