Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Increasingly Distracted...


You get married with the mindset that this is the one person for you, for the rest of your life and that you will never love another. Then, if you are the unlucky few, you are thrown into this tumultuous circus known as widowhood and you then find yourself back in the rat race known as...

DATING (DUMDUMDUMDUM - scary movie theme inserted here).

Now, when you first step out as a widow, you live under the umbrella of grief that seems to shield you from the single world. Maybe not an umbrella, a tent? Moving on...your heart is healing from being broken and you are learning how to live without the person who has been your lover, your best friend, your everything. Then one day, curiously, you wake up and you aren't crying as much as you used to. You wake up and realize that the sun is actually shining again. You wake up and realize that you are attracted to other men, and you find yourself wanting to encourage this progress in your life, but still ultimately scared that one misstep and you will just injure your already fragile heart.

I am not that person. I knew that my husband was going to die before he did (it was God, I just know it). I was prepared for it and after he died, I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had a plan for all of it, and slowly in the past year, God has revealed this major revelations to me - revelations about my destiny, my future, faith, love, hope, grief, etc. With all that said, this is what the post is really about.

Monday night I went to a small group we lovingly call House Church. A bunch of college aged kids that get together to do some praise and worship and talk about God. This past week, we had a bonfire and we just had a good time of fellowship. It has been a few months since I've gone to HC, so I knew there would be some new faces. I noticed one face in particular, a new guy...I didn't think much of it when I first got there. We had the bonfire, and we were fellowshipping after P&W and sharing time, and he was making his rounds meeting everyone. He came up to me and introduced himself, and I immediately noticed these piercing blue eyes. He made a joke about how I shook hands (and proceeded to shake my hand, like 4 times). We started talking, asking where we were from, what we did, etc. He was joking with me, talking to me, watching me (with those piercing blue eyes). I noted in my head that he looked a little like Jesus and he had the most soothing voice I've ever heard. I felt like there was a connection with us, but just figured it was me inventing things in my head. When it was time to go, we said our goodbyes and parted ways.

The next day it hit me...I seriously and most definitely was feeling something for this guy. And I felt like it was a two-way street. A friend of mine even remarked that he was like a tractor-beam with me...constantly watching me, and just talking to me. And my heart began to : freak out, get distracted, start distressing. Not because this is seriously the first glimpse of a Post-married relationship, but because I know nothing about this guy. I know his first name, the state he's from, and that he's a seminary student. I have nicknamed him CinderFella.

I'm so confused and distraught over this. Part of me is saying "God is in control, if its meant to be, it will happen" and part of me is saying "FIND THIS GUY AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE!"...I'm reminding myself to stay balanced and really stumbling into a progression of thoughts regarding "dating".

My first thought...the timing of things. I have had such revelations about having hope for my future and not worrying so much about it and then BAM, I meet Mr. Wonderful-CinderFella, who I may never see again. So I'm trying my hardest to stop being so distracted by it and to just trust God.

There I got it off my chest. My mind is a swirly-twirly vortex of confusion and excitement and frustration. Here's a few thoughts to leave you with, just so you can stop worrying about this muddled brain of mine.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams":
-Elanor Roosevelt

"...In dreams you will lose your heartache, Whatever you wish for you keep,
Have faith in your dreams and someday, Your rainbow will come smiling through..."
-A dream is a wish, from Cinderella

"I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry"
-Psalm 40:1 me to be patient, and help my confusion!!!!

1 comment:

Brittany said...

I know you are conflicted; but relish in the excitement of the possibility, even if it never comes to fruition. (This is the voice of experience talking!)

Less than 2 years after my husband passed, I had a school-girl crush on an old friend. The relationship never became romantic, but, WOW! I felt a part of me come alive again.

You already know that God is good, and His timing is perfect. Relax, have fun, and keep on lovin' the Lord!

Be blessed,
Brittany (28 year old widow)