Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Another Ostrich day...

And so the testing of my faith continues today...

"...Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything..." James 1:2-5

Day 2 of my " I wish I were an Ostrich, so I could bury head" continues. It has brought some interesting things to light though. Things that I'm sure more people struggle with than realize. Let's get over the basic understandings of the whole grieving process and the toll it takes on a person. I'm looking past all of that...I am in the final stages of grieving the loss of my husband, but in finding these final stages it has begun bringing some things in my heart to light...things that have been very hidden, very isolated, very dark.

Today I am not only grieving the loss of my husband, I am grieiving the loss of...

At this point, I'm going to take a step back...I'm finding it increasingly difficult to put into words what I'm feeling. To capture the true essence of how deeply hurting I am. I told someone today I feel "emotionally fractured". The subject I am hovering of, is simply the subject of deep hurts. Deep, buried hurts. Things that go so deep in your heart, that you don't realize you are still struggling with these hurts until something dredges them up from the bottom and once you realize how much you are really struggling, you then realize that you have no idea how to actually make things better. Its alot harder to say "self - stop hurting".

For me, its the whole subject of having a baby...or lack thereof.

I made a prediction that certain ones of my friends would be pregnant this year...and it has happened. Specifically two of my best friends are both pregnant. And the weight of this news has left me fractured. I am insanely happy for both of them. Happy that they are starting their family, that they didn't have fertility issues. I am happy that they are moving into this next phase of life.

But at the same time, I am incredibley sad. Saddened by the fact that God did not let us have a child. And saddened even more by the fact that my life has seemed to stop and begin going in reverse from the course I feel it should be on. Instead of people congratulating me on news of my pregnancy, I've had to listen to their sincere condolescenes. Instead of picking out nursery furniture with my husband, I was picking out a casket for my husband.

So as you can see, a deep well of pain is within me. And I feel like I'm struggling to gain my footing. Out of my own mouth today, I told someone that I loved the fact that God was using my situation to reach others, but I was ready for it to stop and that I just wanted to be normal. Most people cry out to God for Him to give them a ministry to reach others. I seem to be running from it.

But ultimately, at the end of the day (and several pieces of chocolate later)...I just have to sit back and remind myself Romans 8:28..

"...And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose..."

I so readily forget that I have been chosen for a purpose few can bear...a purpose that I was hand selected by the one who created me. "Many are called but few are chosen". Its a daunting task that requires me to be completely transparent yet still full of hope. Even as I'm sifting through these deep hurts that I haven't really found healing in, I am comforted in knowing that...

"...those that sow in tears, with reap with songs of joy..." Psalm 126:5

I'm being very real about this whole subject. Very Transparent. I am human and I hurt. But thankfully, I know that soon I will be singing songs of joy.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Some days I wish I were an Ostrich...

No, seriously...some days I do. Why today of all days? I have my suspicions...

Dates and Anniversaries have always been a very huge part of my life. I look at each one with either intense joy or immense pain. Today I feel like February may be the worst month of the year...attribute is to a night of horrible sleeping, attribute is to a lack of vitamins in combination with a pathetic diet lately, or attribute it to the fact that a year ago my world fell apart.

Take your pick.

I am remembering vividly things I haven't thought about in a year. The fact that we had finished re-doing our bathroom and how proud I was of the job that Shannon did. I remember us having friends over and deciding it was time to celebrate Hallowuary (Halloween in February). I am remembering Valentines day especially - Shannon buying his dream guitar, us enjoying our favorite racqlette meal together, us going and staying at a hotel in Raleigh. I am remembering especially that fact that a year ago this week was the last time I was with my husband.

Despite these overwhelming emotions and this outpouring of memories I am feeling as I survey my life a year ago this month, I think of one thing very clearly. Romans 8 : 18-27.

"...I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will..."

These momentary troubles I am facing are instilling in me a gift more precious than anything in the world...glorious freedom and hope. The things I have been faced with throughout the past year have taught me so many things about who God truly is and how much He truly loves me. There are times where my heart and my head begin to become unbalanced with eachother, and its in these times where my focus begins to turn violently on me and in turn, this turn makes me feel like my world is falling apart at the seams. I begin to survey each and every problem with my life and how things turned out and doubt begins to creep into my life. Doubt that God really has a plan for me. And then this doubt turns to fear. Fear that I will always be alone. And then I begin to panic. When the panic begins, the Spirit of the Living God rushes in on me like a flood.

There is a line in a song that says "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking"...it always struck me as beautiful and odd. His grace is an ocean...an endless, life-giving body that sustains us, and all we have to do is let it overwhelm us. I love Grace.

As my heart is still pondering many, many things...many memories, many fears, I want to leave you with one thing. We had two very dear friends who went through a very tough time trying to have a baby. Shannon and I both spent many, many times praying and crying on behalf of this couple. The wife, who I love more than she'll ever know, told me a story about how her father had recounted the story in the bible that if we pray for bread, He won't give us stones...after I told Shannon this story and recounting to him about our own struggle with infertility and how I felt like God was giving me stones...he wrote this song. I haven't read this song in a few years, and I just stumbled upon it last night...the words though really spoke to me...

If I ask you for bread Why do I bear these stones
you say you'll never leave me But I feel so alone
Its hard to explain I don't always understand your ways
I refuse to lay down and die, won't let this moment pass me by
I'll build a ountain and I will over come
this pain that I'm feeling won't leave me undone
the purpose of the stones that you have brought me to
Was to build up a mountain so I could be close to you
If I really believe In everything you've said
then if this pain kills me you'll raise me from the dead
to trust and obey for me there is no other way
I'll hang on to faith, for today is the day

I truly understand that God is who He says He is...and with each new level of this understanding, I feel another part of my grave clothes slipping off my body...revealing a new, living person.

I love Grace.

Monday, February 2, 2009


I notice that at times during this journey, there are little things that God surrounds me with to bring me great encouragement. One of the biggest things he does is brings songs into my life that speak volumes to my heart. One such song is "Desert Song"... For months I had seen the title of this song, but did not ever take the time to actually listen to it. While on a road trip to Florida, I listened to the song and became instantly amazed. It personafies alot of the feelings I feel lately...I feel like I'm in a desert, but walking towards a great harvest...so without further adieu...here are the lyrics and further down the actual song itself.

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praiseI will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoiceI will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life In every season
You are still GodI have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow