Tuesday, May 18, 2010

And another dream...

I have written a few times about the powerful dream I had in 2008 that became the catalyst for hope. I held a necklace in my hand that contained my fiance's name and mine and a miniature sewing kit. When I woke up I felt like God spoke to my heart that "this relationship will mend your broken heart". I held onto that dream like a liferaft in a sea of hopelessness. Each time that I felt like my dream was slipping away, I reminded myself of that dream. I cherished it and made it my prayer, and stood on it as a promise straight from my Lord. It came in a season where I wasn't ready to enter into another relationship, and still I held it knowing that it was coming.

A struggle I have been experiencing is the pain of infertility's fingerprint on my heart. When I was married before we tried for three years to have a baby, and went through fertilty treatments and nothing worked. I saw God's hand in that situation and I thank Him for that unanswered prayer. However, the deep desire in my heart to be a mother still remains. I am consumed with the knowledge I have in my head about my previous infertility and my PCOS hormonal imbalance. I know the science behind my inability to get pregnant, I know my hormones are messed up. Its always in the back of my head. Andrew and I went into this marriage, knowing that we may never have biological children and he was okay with that. We both knew that if we couldn't have a baby, that there are lots and lots of children here that need a mom and dad to love them. We knew God had a plan for us as parents. And still my heart was hurting so badly. I wanted so badly to know the feeling of carrying life and the gift of being a mom. Through this, we decided we are not starting a family until Andrew is done with Ministerial Classes, which will be next year. Or maybe even longer.

This is all background.

Saturday night I had a dream. It was short. It was simple. It was profound.

I was having a picture taken of me, my 9 month pregnant belly, and baby blocks that spelled "Nathan".

I woke up from that dream, thinking "I dont even like the name Nathan". Which made me, and Andrew laugh. Well a few days later out of curiousity I went online to see what the name Nathan meant. It means "God has given" or "Gift from God".

Its funny how once again, one simple dream can make such an impact on my spirit. It was like a sweet whisper from God reminding me that He has a plan for me. That my dreams are not forgotten, He holds them in His hands, where they are safe and being formed & prepared. I am so encouraged. Its just like the first dream...its a challenge to stand on hope and reach out in faith knowing that my dreams are still alive and thriving. These are the times where proclaiming that our God is an Awesome God comes as naturally as breathing...

"Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They are all just passing by
Its not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I've been lifted higher
Yahwehs lifted me in His own strength"
- "I Need You" the Swift

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."
- Psalm 126:5

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Even 2 years later...

Here I am.

731 days after my whole world fell apart. I have been testy, emotional, short, snappy, dazed, confused, sad, and just distant this week. Even in the happiest time of my life, that precious gift called "memories" and "grieving" pop back in.

Here's a run down of things since last we talked.

In April God blessed me with the opportunity to begin dating someone absolutely wonderful and amazing. Someone who took care of me, opened the door for me, and made me feel simply complete. And as you can see from the picture...we got married in late November. Hehe (silly, teenage girl laugh)

There is no greater gift that getting another chance to love again. It is twice as sweet, twice as fulfilling, twice as cherished. Andrew is everything I've ever wanted, and I'm so blessed to be able to feel love again.
Amid all my happiness, I still feel the grief within me. Its that place within my heart that only God knows how deep my love was, and how much deeper the loss is. No amount of happiness or healing will ever fill that place. It has not crept up on me for almost a year, and then this week happened. I am at a loss for words on how I feel. The memories, they haunt me. They are just as clear as they were two years ago. The hopes and dreams I watched die remind me of what happened. My body and mind are suffering from the memories.

I guess the lesson I am learning, is I am not invincible. I am not perfect. I am not Superwoman. I am real, and I hurt. And even while being in the happiest place of my entire life, I still feel the sense of loss that occurred. I praise God for being who He is, where He is leading me, and how even when my heart has this one corner of overwhelming sadness - God is constantly filling it up.

Psalms 147 : 3 - "He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds"

I'm praying the Lord uses my brokenness to help others heal. I have felt unstoppable, and I'm coming to a place where I clearly know that the only way I will ever be able to get through this annual "holiday" (a term dubbed by my sister to remember what happened this week in 2008), the only way I will ever get through this...is to simply remind myself that He is God, and if He knows the plan, then all I have to do is simply trust and learn how to lean in closer to Him.

Thank you Lord for the gift of being able to lean closer to You.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Oh, I'm still here.

I am still here. Its hard to blog about my experiences as a widow, when I'm so insanely happy at the moment. :)

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Update.

I quite elusively made mention of certain events looming on the horizon in my previous post. I did not want to get ahead of myself, and was really waiting and praying about something before I wanted to go super-public on my beloved blogworld. But here goes.

A couple of months ago my friend Kara sends me the verse from Isaiah 54:2-4...I had begin to pray quite seriously about the whole dating situation, and had gotten to the point where God used specific people to get my focus back in place about what I wanted in a person and keeping my standards high. God used Cinderfella to remind that I had specific things I wanted and inevitabley, God used the whole situation to get my attention back on God and I had gotten to the point where I literally was quite satisfied with being single.

I was quite content. And then...he happened.

I had been friends with Superman-Studmuffin for several years. He was actually friends with my first husband. Since moving to Virginia, I would see him at church, and we would joke around and it was never really more than that. Lately, we had begin talking on facebook and I was getting to the point where I was hoping he would get online just so we could talk. Eventually I invited him over for dinner, and we hung out that night, the next night, the next day, and the next day. [these are the four days referenced in the previous blog post]. I was really thinking I was inventing something, but it was undeniable that the feelings I was having was a two way street. But I gave it up to God, and let Him take control.

The next day, Superman-Studmuffin and I officially became an item. And its safe to say that I ...


When I'm with him I feel safe, I feel happy, I feel God radiating through our relationship...and I can barely contain the joy I feel. I'm so blessed to be able to have the opportunity to enjoy a relationship again...and I can only imagine the places God is going to take this. Oh...I can feel the sun shining on my face again, and its a glorious day indeed! God is good Indeed!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Rain is Coming...

The past four days have been so amazing and encouraging and wonderful. I am not going to go into details yet, but let's just say I see God up to some things and it is starting to get me unbelievabley excited. So many blessings and beautiful things that my heart can barely contain it.

Today I woke up at 5:15am and got ready for Sunrise Service at church. It was so breathtaking to watch the sun slowly rise from the Blue Ridge Mountains and stand on the mountainside proclaiming "Jesus is Alive Indeed" ! It was a great time of reflection and worship, considering the immeasurable sacrifice that our Lord went through for us. The pain and agony He bore on the cross so that we could be free from our bondage to sin and free to live a life of pure joy. After this gorgeous day, I was cleaning up my bedroom tonight and just thinking about everything that has transpired through out this week and weekend, and then thinking about how "happy" had seemed so far away and now it seems so within my grasp I can feel it tickling my fingertips. And then I was reminded of a story in 1 Kings 18:41-46.

The context of this story is that, there had been a massive drought in the land for quite some time and Elijah presented himself before Ahab and told him to get ready because a great rain was coming. Then Elijah sent his servant out 6 times to look for the clouds, and there was nothing. The seventh time however, there was a cloud as small as a man's hand coming from the sea. And after that it rained and rained and rained.

Hope, Happiness, and the Fulfillment of God's promises. These are the things I thought of. In my own life, through these experiences of losing Shannon, reclaiming my life, dealing with debt & frustration, my severe self esteem issues, always worrying that I will never find anyone, etc. In all of these "drought" times, God was whispering to me to watch for the rain, because it was coming. Each time I stood on the mountainside saying "God, I don't even see a cloud in the sky"..."God, I don't see how there's going to be a way out of this"..."God, I don't see how anyone will ever really love me". Multiple times I have cried these things out to the Lord, and still He whispers "Rain is coming".

My dear friend Kara, who has stood multiple times in the gap for me, send me an email a few months ago. She began it by saying, she never knows if its really God that is speaking things through her, but she gave me a scripture.

"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!
You're ending up with far more children
than all those childbearing women."
God says so!"
Clear lots of ground for your tents!
Make your tents large.
Spread out! Think big!Use plenty of rope,
drive the tent pegs deep.You're going to need lots of elbow room
for your growing family.You're going to take over whole nations;
you're going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed.
Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short.
You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,
and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.
For your Maker is your bridegroom,
his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,
known as God of the whole earth.
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief,
and God welcomed you back,Like a woman married young
and then left," says your God." Isaiah 54:2-4

I read this passage this week, and realized the promises of God are unmistakable. That I can rely and trust them. God is constantly reassuring my shrinking faith, that He is not a man that He should lie and that I can rest in His promises. Alot has happened the past few weeks, God has given and has taken. With the introduction of Cinderfella, it only strengthened my hope in a future and made me realize the things I want in a future mate. And with the realization that Cinderfella wasn't what I really wanted, I placed that dream on the altar and gave it to God. And with that action, I heard a small voice whispering to me "Rain is Coming". This week, however, I stood on the mountain when He whispered that to my heart and I literally could see a cloud as small as a man's hand coming from the sea. And I realized that my rain is coming. That my happy is slowly on its way.

Without much detail, I am watching this cloud get bigger and bigger each day, and my heart is nearly about to explode with pure joy at the things going on. My faith is being affirmed daily. And I am so blessed to be able to recognize whats going on and to be able to enjoy the process of standing in His rain.

(Can I feel you in the rain? Abandon all I am to have you capture me again - remember that post a few weeks ago?)

My God surrounded me with sorrow in order for me to fully recognize how beautiful and how merciful His heart is. On this Easter day, I give thanks to God for His sacrifice and how He bore my sins, so that I could experience this new feeling of Joy that is radiating from inside of me. He took my place on that tree so that I could experience fullness of Joy. How beautiful are the hands and feet that bore the nails. How peaceful are the eyes that saw me in my darkest hour and still loved me enough to take my place.

Oh he is beautiful. Today, I want to encourage you and challenge you to never give up in your circumstances. That, although it seems like you are experiencing a drought - be it through finances, infertility, widowhood, bitterness, etc...whatever it may be, realize that RAIN IS COMING. Look to the skies, even if it takes a hundred times of looking for the rain, God is whispering to you that it is coming, and right when it seems like it isn't going to happen, you will see that little cloud, no bigger than a man's hand, rising from the sea...and get ready. Once the rain starts...He will wash over you - cleansing you, restoring you, bringing you Joy.

Just don't give up. It might be a cloudless day today, but Rain is Coming.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Living a Box-Less Life

My sincerest apologies for the blog silence the last few weeks. I have some circumstances arise that have given me alot to think about, but little to write. I mean, I have had alot on my mind lately.


Last Sunday, at the peak of my frustration with current situations, I was driving to the Dollar Tree, and I began to just talk to God. I asked Him to help me find more ministry opportunities. The conversation was that simple. I stepped into the store a few minutes after that, greeted by a mentally challenged girl with a smile that immediately melted my heart and left a lasting impression on my soul. Normally I would've just passed her by, but her smile blessed my heart so much, I couldn't stop thinking about it. As I shopped, I saw a woman in a wheelchair pushing a grocery cart by herself. I walked away from her, thinking, I would love to push that grocery cart and just spend some time with her. After that I passed an older lady cutting her own grass, I drove by thinking, I would love to be able to cut her grass for her.

I began to realize that I asked for ministry opportunities, and God was beginning to provide them. They came in packages I would not have readily recognized in the past. They weren't familiar ministries that I have felt I was "called" to be apart of. And I began to understand that for years I have boxed myself in to a corner, where I have missed thousands of ministry opportunities because it was "my calling". I have blatantly misused the verse in the Bible, regarding people using the gifts they have, as a crutch and an excuse for me not to help others.

We limit the extent of our ministry and how much God can use when we use the phrase "thats not my gift". I have felt like the only tangible ministry I had to offer, was the experiences of my widowhood, but God wants to take my box, and tear it wide open, exposing me to multiple ministry opportunities. Opportunities to bless people in ways that I couldn't have imagined myself being able to do. God is challenging me to live a box-less life in all my ways of thinking. To see past the way I see my "abilities" and "inabilities" and see through His eyes...to see a hurting world, waiting for someone to simply just show them they care. That's how we reach people..."with one random act of kindness at a time".

Saturday, April 4, 2009

One Word


I have lost the ability to coherently write my thoughts. Maybe the Lord will provide some inspiration tomorrow. We shall see...