Monday, March 23, 2009

God, Can I take a Vacation From my Life now?

This whole beautiful dance with CinderFella and unclogging some hidden abilities deep within me, such as having a crush, has been one exciting, intriguing, and exhilerating time in my life.

And then tonight happens.

And then I have to tell him about me being a widow.

And then I am screaming to myself "WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I'VE SCARED HIM AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Actually it didn't go like that. But I did have to tell him about me being a Widow and the whole story (at least bits and pieces). He did not freak out, he did not act different...It was me, whose mind went immediately to thinking that now I live in the "Non-Dateable" box. It was me, who immediately began stressing and thinking that he definitely won't ever date me now.

So we will just have to wait and see on this one. I have said that stupid phrase SOOOO much this week.

On another side note, out of 4 nights of sleep I had 3 Lazarus-Shannon dreams. It is reaking havoc on me mentally...draining all my energy. My prayer is God takes these dreams from me...each one I have is only a reminder of how Shannon did not get better, and I just can't bear continually seeing his face, knowing when I wake up he's gone. And then I'm faced with the reality that I am still alone and just wanting desperately to move on with my life.

This is the time where I am clinging to hope with all thats left within me.

But blogworld, don't worry. I'm not falling off the wagon. I'm really doing good...this is just a natural hiccup in the Widow Road. But the great thing about living on Widow Road, is that its not my permanent residency...soon I'm moving to a new place...on Hope Avenue. (My goodness, I sound like a cheesey christian author--haha)
"Be joyful in hopeful,
patient in affliction,
faithful in prayer"
Romans 12:12
"A dream is a wish your heart makes,
when you're fast asleep"

1 comment:

Brittany said...

I struggle with the same "un-dateable box" drama, too.

I often wonder who would want to take "this" on? Me, and all of my baggage (at this point it is like steam trunk luggage). He also has a heck of a lot to live up to... no pressure.

I pray the Lord is strongly equipping and preparing the heart the next man in my life.
I'll be in pray about your's, as well.