I have written a few times about the powerful dream I had in 2008 that became the catalyst for hope. I held a necklace in my hand that contained my fiance's name and mine and a miniature sewing kit. When I woke up I felt like God spoke to my heart that "this relationship will mend your broken heart". I held onto that dream like a liferaft in a sea of hopelessness. Each time that I felt like my dream was slipping away, I reminded myself of that dream. I cherished it and made it my prayer, and stood on it as a promise straight from my Lord. It came in a season where I wasn't ready to enter into another relationship, and still I held it knowing that it was coming.
A struggle I have been experiencing is the pain of infertility's fingerprint on my heart. When I was married before we tried for three years to have a baby, and went through fertilty treatments and nothing worked. I saw God's hand in that situation and I thank Him for that unanswered prayer. However, the deep desire in my heart to be a mother still remains. I am consumed with the knowledge I have in my head about my previous infertility and my PCOS hormonal imbalance. I know the science behind my inability to get pregnant, I know my hormones are messed up. Its always in the back of my head. Andrew and I went into this marriage, knowing that we may never have biological children and he was okay with that. We both knew that if we couldn't have a baby, that there are lots and lots of children here that need a mom and dad to love them. We knew God had a plan for us as parents. And still my heart was hurting so badly. I wanted so badly to know the feeling of carrying life and the gift of being a mom. Through this, we decided we are not starting a family until Andrew is done with Ministerial Classes, which will be next year. Or maybe even longer.
This is all background.
Saturday night I had a dream. It was short. It was simple. It was profound.
I was having a picture taken of me, my 9 month pregnant belly, and baby blocks that spelled "Nathan".
I woke up from that dream, thinking "I dont even like the name Nathan". Which made me, and Andrew laugh. Well a few days later out of curiousity I went online to see what the name Nathan meant. It means "God has given" or "Gift from God".
Its funny how once again, one simple dream can make such an impact on my spirit. It was like a sweet whisper from God reminding me that He has a plan for me. That my dreams are not forgotten, He holds them in His hands, where they are safe and being formed & prepared. I am so encouraged. Its just like the first dream...its a challenge to stand on hope and reach out in faith knowing that my dreams are still alive and thriving. These are the times where proclaiming that our God is an Awesome God comes as naturally as breathing...
"Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They are all just passing by
Its not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I've been lifted higher
Yahwehs lifted me in His own strength"
- "I Need You" the Swift
"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."
- Psalm 126:5