Thursday, February 25, 2010

Even 2 years later...

Here I am.

731 days after my whole world fell apart. I have been testy, emotional, short, snappy, dazed, confused, sad, and just distant this week. Even in the happiest time of my life, that precious gift called "memories" and "grieving" pop back in.

Here's a run down of things since last we talked.

In April God blessed me with the opportunity to begin dating someone absolutely wonderful and amazing. Someone who took care of me, opened the door for me, and made me feel simply complete. And as you can see from the picture...we got married in late November. Hehe (silly, teenage girl laugh)

There is no greater gift that getting another chance to love again. It is twice as sweet, twice as fulfilling, twice as cherished. Andrew is everything I've ever wanted, and I'm so blessed to be able to feel love again.
Amid all my happiness, I still feel the grief within me. Its that place within my heart that only God knows how deep my love was, and how much deeper the loss is. No amount of happiness or healing will ever fill that place. It has not crept up on me for almost a year, and then this week happened. I am at a loss for words on how I feel. The memories, they haunt me. They are just as clear as they were two years ago. The hopes and dreams I watched die remind me of what happened. My body and mind are suffering from the memories.

I guess the lesson I am learning, is I am not invincible. I am not perfect. I am not Superwoman. I am real, and I hurt. And even while being in the happiest place of my entire life, I still feel the sense of loss that occurred. I praise God for being who He is, where He is leading me, and how even when my heart has this one corner of overwhelming sadness - God is constantly filling it up.

Psalms 147 : 3 - "He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds"

I'm praying the Lord uses my brokenness to help others heal. I have felt unstoppable, and I'm coming to a place where I clearly know that the only way I will ever be able to get through this annual "holiday" (a term dubbed by my sister to remember what happened this week in 2008), the only way I will ever get through to simply remind myself that He is God, and if He knows the plan, then all I have to do is simply trust and learn how to lean in closer to Him.

Thank you Lord for the gift of being able to lean closer to You.


amcneely said...

I love seeing tidbits here and there on Facebook about your life and how happy you are. I also like hearing this kind of God is continuing to work in your life and how restoration does not mean forgetting. I thank God that He has brought you to such a place of deep understanding about who you are and who He is and that you are really able to acknowledge your trust and hope in Him. Prayers for you especially this week.

Brittany said...

Congratulations on the new marriage!

I also just had a "holiday..." my 4th (I love that term by the way!). Each year has been easier, but still excruciating.

I pray that you are blessed beyond understanding with your new husband and life, and that the experiences that you have had will create a richer relationship between the two of you.

Anonymous said...

Hi, it's my first time here at your blog.
Congrats on your marriage!
I am also a young widow in a new relationship, I was just wondering if you had any advice about how you mangaged to overcome that feeling of guilt when you remarried. Marriage has been discussed in my new relationship but I'm unsure of how to overcome the feeling of fear.
Glad I found your blog. : )