Thursday, January 8, 2009

As my heart breaks into a thousand pieces...

Strength in numbers.

I open and read an email and proceed with reading a blog and my heart simply fell apart.

Let's begin at the beginning.

I was blessed enough to meet E. I will call her E because I'm not sure if she wants her name painted all over my blog. But in meeting E and talking with E, I found an extreme amount of comfort from her words. She too was a young widow, her husband suddenly dying, leaving her with two very small children. She gave me comfort, she gave me hope, she gave me love. It were her words that affirmed me and calmed my fears. She let the light of Christ shine through her heart into my email, and let her radiating love burst through my computer screen. I will always remember the blessing of E.

Today, a friend from school approached me about allowing another friend read my blog. Of course, I was thrilled at this...When I went online and looked at this new friends blog, my heart slowly began to unravel. By the end of the night after she had befriended me on facebook, sent me an email, and I spent a good amount of time looking at pictures and reading her blog...I can safely say that my heart is so heavy right now, I'm surprised it hasn't dropped right out of my chest. This new friend, another E, lost her husband a few months. And like myself, had been trying to have a baby. My heart broke into a thousand pieces reading her blog. I literally wanted to crawl through the computer screen and hug her. I would've never thought in a thousand years that would be two of us, so similar in circumstance.

And so to you, dear sweet E. My heart aches with the very thought of your situation and at the same it overflows with love. I leave you with this thought...

From Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

From Isaiah 54:10 "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

From Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

From Psalm 126:5-6 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy, He who goes out weeping carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with him My final thought...From Eccl 3:4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance

One day E, you will dance again...until then, His unwavering Love surrounds you.

1 comment:

Candy said...

My friend, an avid blogger, recommended I check out your page. I too am a young widow. I am a 31 year old widow of 8 months. My husband and I had 1 child and had been trying for 3 years to have another. I went through all the infertility stuff and my heart broke every month. I could relate to what you posted previously about that. I was very bitter at the time when another teen would turn up pregnant and I couldn't, etc, but now I am so grateful that I only have the one child. Being a single parent is not what I wanted for her! It is hard! Maybe it wouldn't be as hard if I wasn't grieving too? I don't know.
My husband and I were married 9.5 years and we insanely happy. I knew I had a life to be envied. I had it all (except more children) and I knew it. He died of cancer. It was quick and brutal. He was on hospice for 15 days and it was the worst thing I have ever experienced. It was exhausting b/c he never slept and would forget that he couldn't do things for himself anymore and would get up and fall. It was heart-wrenching to see someone you love waste away and to have moments when he didn't even know who you were. Yet, at the same time, I wouldn't trade those days away. I had 15 days to say goodbye when others don't have them. I realize how fortunate I am to have them, as awful as they were. Also, he died in my arms, surrounded by his family. We didn't know that was to be his last breath, but were there when it was. He always said he would fight his cancer till his last dying breath and fight for it he did.
From the beginning of widowhood I have been ready to put this all behind me. I want to hurry up and heal in a healthy fashion and to move forward. I want to close this particular chapter of my life and begin a new one. I want to love again and be loved in return. I want to feel something else beside the darkness, aloneness, and grief.
Anyway, I am very much looking forward to reading another post by you. I too am a Christian and I know God has a plan for me. He must to have received my husband and left me here.
Thank you for your blog.