So this is where it begins...

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy,

He who goes out weeping carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with him"

Psalm 126:5-5-6

You have woken up one day and become a widow. Thats all it took was one day. Your spouse might have been sick for a very long time and you have watched him suffer. He might have died in a freak accident that no one could see coming. He might have died peacefully in his sleep. No matter how he died, all it took was one day and you have entered into this scary and frightening world of widowhood.

There's nothing you can do to prepare for being a widow. No amount of books or counseling is going to help you get through this time. Being a widow is almost like becoming a first time parent. You can read every book on the face of the earth and get all the advice that people willingly lend, but nothing will truly prepare for the process until you are actively working through it and discovering for yourself what it entails. You will go through every range of emotion known to man. You will feel on some days that you are losing your mind, and on other days you will actually feel normal. On some days it will feel like the strength is literally seeping from your body and draining slowly from your spirit.

But.

You will get through this.

This is my story. I am no expert by any means, but I have been where you are and I know how you are feeling. I have experienced the intense pain you are feeling and my prayer is that this blog will wrap its arms around your heart and help you through this time, because I know how lonely you are. I know how afraid you are of whats going to happen in the future. I know how much you miss him. I know that your heart is breaking and you feel completely alone.

But you aren't alone.

I got married young, at 21 after an 11 month courtship with Shannon. I knew we would get married and began asking him after a month of dating when he was going to propose. We had a beautiful marriage, full of romance, sacrifice, and joy. It was not perfect by any means. We endured his constant sickness, infertility, and the normal everyday hardships of marriage, but we made our marriage beautiful. We made it fun. We made it as happy as possible. Shannon had been sick with Pancreatitis off and on for the duration of our 4 1/2 year marriage, but each time he got better. Each time we became more appreciative of our time together, knowing how dangerous Pancreatitis was.

He went to visit some friends in Virginia one weekend and became ill. By the time I reached the hospital the next day he was incoherrent and slowly going into shock. The Drs put him into a drug induced coma and a ventilator, hoping to give his body a break. But as the week wore on, we knew that the inevitable was happening and he was dying. His organs had all began shutting down and he developed a serious blood coagulation problem and by Friday he had bled into his brain and he was essentially dead, only kept alive by those machines.

On Saturday morning at approximately 12:36am, I became a widow. In one day I lost my entire world, my best friend, my husband. In one day.

The process of grieving hasn't been easy or a fun experience, but I have learned a multitude of lessons that have enriched my life. Through this process I have learned things about myself I never knew and have learned things about the way I think about the future.

My prayer is that you will draw comfort, wisdom, humor, and love from this blog. I have been where you are and I know how much it hurts, but I also know how great is the love of God, and how His comforting embrace will sustain you.

"May your unfailing love be my comfort..."

Psalm 119:76a