I am still here. Its hard to blog about my experiences as a widow, when I'm so insanely happy at the moment. :)
Friday, June 12, 2009
Oh, I'm still here.
I am still here. Its hard to blog about my experiences as a widow, when I'm so insanely happy at the moment. :)
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Update.
I quite elusively made mention of certain events looming on the horizon in my previous post. I did not want to get ahead of myself, and was really waiting and praying about something before I wanted to go super-public on my beloved blogworld. But here goes.
A couple of months ago my friend Kara sends me the verse from Isaiah 54:2-4...I had begin to pray quite seriously about the whole dating situation, and had gotten to the point where God used specific people to get my focus back in place about what I wanted in a person and keeping my standards high. God used Cinderfella to remind that I had specific things I wanted and inevitabley, God used the whole situation to get my attention back on God and I had gotten to the point where I literally was quite satisfied with being single.
I was quite content. And then...he happened.
I had been friends with Superman-Studmuffin for several years. He was actually friends with my first husband. Since moving to Virginia, I would see him at church, and we would joke around and it was never really more than that. Lately, we had begin talking on facebook and I was getting to the point where I was hoping he would get online just so we could talk. Eventually I invited him over for dinner, and we hung out that night, the next night, the next day, and the next day. [these are the four days referenced in the previous blog post]. I was really thinking I was inventing something, but it was undeniable that the feelings I was having was a two way street. But I gave it up to God, and let Him take control.
The next day, Superman-Studmuffin and I officially became an item. And its safe to say that I ...
When I'm with him I feel safe, I feel happy, I feel God radiating through our relationship...and I can barely contain the joy I feel. I'm so blessed to be able to have the opportunity to enjoy a relationship again...and I can only imagine the places God is going to take this. Oh...I can feel the sun shining on my face again, and its a glorious day indeed! God is good Indeed!
A couple of months ago my friend Kara sends me the verse from Isaiah 54:2-4...I had begin to pray quite seriously about the whole dating situation, and had gotten to the point where God used specific people to get my focus back in place about what I wanted in a person and keeping my standards high. God used Cinderfella to remind that I had specific things I wanted and inevitabley, God used the whole situation to get my attention back on God and I had gotten to the point where I literally was quite satisfied with being single.
I was quite content. And then...he happened.
I had been friends with Superman-Studmuffin for several years. He was actually friends with my first husband. Since moving to Virginia, I would see him at church, and we would joke around and it was never really more than that. Lately, we had begin talking on facebook and I was getting to the point where I was hoping he would get online just so we could talk. Eventually I invited him over for dinner, and we hung out that night, the next night, the next day, and the next day. [these are the four days referenced in the previous blog post]. I was really thinking I was inventing something, but it was undeniable that the feelings I was having was a two way street. But I gave it up to God, and let Him take control.
The next day, Superman-Studmuffin and I officially became an item. And its safe to say that I ...
HAVE NOT BEEN THIS
HAPPY IN A LONG TIME.
When I'm with him I feel safe, I feel happy, I feel God radiating through our relationship...and I can barely contain the joy I feel. I'm so blessed to be able to have the opportunity to enjoy a relationship again...and I can only imagine the places God is going to take this. Oh...I can feel the sun shining on my face again, and its a glorious day indeed! God is good Indeed!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Rain is Coming...
The past four days have been so amazing and encouraging and wonderful. I am not going to go into details yet, but let's just say I see God up to some things and it is starting to get me unbelievabley excited. So many blessings and beautiful things that my heart can barely contain it.
Today I woke up at 5:15am and got ready for Sunrise Service at church. It was so breathtaking to watch the sun slowly rise from the Blue Ridge Mountains and stand on the mountainside proclaiming "Jesus is Alive Indeed" ! It was a great time of reflection and worship, considering the immeasurable sacrifice that our Lord went through for us. The pain and agony He bore on the cross so that we could be free from our bondage to sin and free to live a life of pure joy. After this gorgeous day, I was cleaning up my bedroom tonight and just thinking about everything that has transpired through out this week and weekend, and then thinking about how "happy" had seemed so far away and now it seems so within my grasp I can feel it tickling my fingertips. And then I was reminded of a story in 1 Kings 18:41-46.
The context of this story is that, there had been a massive drought in the land for quite some time and Elijah presented himself before Ahab and told him to get ready because a great rain was coming. Then Elijah sent his servant out 6 times to look for the clouds, and there was nothing. The seventh time however, there was a cloud as small as a man's hand coming from the sea. And after that it rained and rained and rained.
Hope, Happiness, and the Fulfillment of God's promises. These are the things I thought of. In my own life, through these experiences of losing Shannon, reclaiming my life, dealing with debt & frustration, my severe self esteem issues, always worrying that I will never find anyone, etc. In all of these "drought" times, God was whispering to me to watch for the rain, because it was coming. Each time I stood on the mountainside saying "God, I don't even see a cloud in the sky"..."God, I don't see how there's going to be a way out of this"..."God, I don't see how anyone will ever really love me". Multiple times I have cried these things out to the Lord, and still He whispers "Rain is coming".
My dear friend Kara, who has stood multiple times in the gap for me, send me an email a few months ago. She began it by saying, she never knows if its really God that is speaking things through her, but she gave me a scripture.
"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!
You're ending up with far more children
than all those childbearing women."
God says so!"
Clear lots of ground for your tents!
Make your tents large.
Spread out! Think big!Use plenty of rope,
drive the tent pegs deep.You're going to need lots of elbow room
for your growing family.You're going to take over whole nations;
you're going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed.
Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short.
You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,
and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.
For your Maker is your bridegroom,
his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,
known as God of the whole earth.
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief,
and God welcomed you back,Like a woman married young
and then left," says your God." Isaiah 54:2-4
I read this passage this week, and realized the promises of God are unmistakable. That I can rely and trust them. God is constantly reassuring my shrinking faith, that He is not a man that He should lie and that I can rest in His promises. Alot has happened the past few weeks, God has given and has taken. With the introduction of Cinderfella, it only strengthened my hope in a future and made me realize the things I want in a future mate. And with the realization that Cinderfella wasn't what I really wanted, I placed that dream on the altar and gave it to God. And with that action, I heard a small voice whispering to me "Rain is Coming". This week, however, I stood on the mountain when He whispered that to my heart and I literally could see a cloud as small as a man's hand coming from the sea. And I realized that my rain is coming. That my happy is slowly on its way.
Without much detail, I am watching this cloud get bigger and bigger each day, and my heart is nearly about to explode with pure joy at the things going on. My faith is being affirmed daily. And I am so blessed to be able to recognize whats going on and to be able to enjoy the process of standing in His rain.
(Can I feel you in the rain? Abandon all I am to have you capture me again - remember that post a few weeks ago?)
My God surrounded me with sorrow in order for me to fully recognize how beautiful and how merciful His heart is. On this Easter day, I give thanks to God for His sacrifice and how He bore my sins, so that I could experience this new feeling of Joy that is radiating from inside of me. He took my place on that tree so that I could experience fullness of Joy. How beautiful are the hands and feet that bore the nails. How peaceful are the eyes that saw me in my darkest hour and still loved me enough to take my place.
Oh he is beautiful. Today, I want to encourage you and challenge you to never give up in your circumstances. That, although it seems like you are experiencing a drought - be it through finances, infertility, widowhood, bitterness, etc...whatever it may be, realize that RAIN IS COMING. Look to the skies, even if it takes a hundred times of looking for the rain, God is whispering to you that it is coming, and right when it seems like it isn't going to happen, you will see that little cloud, no bigger than a man's hand, rising from the sea...and get ready. Once the rain starts...He will wash over you - cleansing you, restoring you, bringing you Joy.
Just don't give up. It might be a cloudless day today, but Rain is Coming.
Today I woke up at 5:15am and got ready for Sunrise Service at church. It was so breathtaking to watch the sun slowly rise from the Blue Ridge Mountains and stand on the mountainside proclaiming "Jesus is Alive Indeed" ! It was a great time of reflection and worship, considering the immeasurable sacrifice that our Lord went through for us. The pain and agony He bore on the cross so that we could be free from our bondage to sin and free to live a life of pure joy. After this gorgeous day, I was cleaning up my bedroom tonight and just thinking about everything that has transpired through out this week and weekend, and then thinking about how "happy" had seemed so far away and now it seems so within my grasp I can feel it tickling my fingertips. And then I was reminded of a story in 1 Kings 18:41-46.
The context of this story is that, there had been a massive drought in the land for quite some time and Elijah presented himself before Ahab and told him to get ready because a great rain was coming. Then Elijah sent his servant out 6 times to look for the clouds, and there was nothing. The seventh time however, there was a cloud as small as a man's hand coming from the sea. And after that it rained and rained and rained.
Hope, Happiness, and the Fulfillment of God's promises. These are the things I thought of. In my own life, through these experiences of losing Shannon, reclaiming my life, dealing with debt & frustration, my severe self esteem issues, always worrying that I will never find anyone, etc. In all of these "drought" times, God was whispering to me to watch for the rain, because it was coming. Each time I stood on the mountainside saying "God, I don't even see a cloud in the sky"..."God, I don't see how there's going to be a way out of this"..."God, I don't see how anyone will ever really love me". Multiple times I have cried these things out to the Lord, and still He whispers "Rain is coming".
My dear friend Kara, who has stood multiple times in the gap for me, send me an email a few months ago. She began it by saying, she never knows if its really God that is speaking things through her, but she gave me a scripture.
"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!
You're ending up with far more children
than all those childbearing women."
God says so!"
Clear lots of ground for your tents!
Make your tents large.
Spread out! Think big!Use plenty of rope,
drive the tent pegs deep.You're going to need lots of elbow room
for your growing family.You're going to take over whole nations;
you're going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed.
Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short.
You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,
and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.
For your Maker is your bridegroom,
his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,
known as God of the whole earth.
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief,
and God welcomed you back,Like a woman married young
and then left," says your God." Isaiah 54:2-4
I read this passage this week, and realized the promises of God are unmistakable. That I can rely and trust them. God is constantly reassuring my shrinking faith, that He is not a man that He should lie and that I can rest in His promises. Alot has happened the past few weeks, God has given and has taken. With the introduction of Cinderfella, it only strengthened my hope in a future and made me realize the things I want in a future mate. And with the realization that Cinderfella wasn't what I really wanted, I placed that dream on the altar and gave it to God. And with that action, I heard a small voice whispering to me "Rain is Coming". This week, however, I stood on the mountain when He whispered that to my heart and I literally could see a cloud as small as a man's hand coming from the sea. And I realized that my rain is coming. That my happy is slowly on its way.
Without much detail, I am watching this cloud get bigger and bigger each day, and my heart is nearly about to explode with pure joy at the things going on. My faith is being affirmed daily. And I am so blessed to be able to recognize whats going on and to be able to enjoy the process of standing in His rain.
(Can I feel you in the rain? Abandon all I am to have you capture me again - remember that post a few weeks ago?)
My God surrounded me with sorrow in order for me to fully recognize how beautiful and how merciful His heart is. On this Easter day, I give thanks to God for His sacrifice and how He bore my sins, so that I could experience this new feeling of Joy that is radiating from inside of me. He took my place on that tree so that I could experience fullness of Joy. How beautiful are the hands and feet that bore the nails. How peaceful are the eyes that saw me in my darkest hour and still loved me enough to take my place.
Oh he is beautiful. Today, I want to encourage you and challenge you to never give up in your circumstances. That, although it seems like you are experiencing a drought - be it through finances, infertility, widowhood, bitterness, etc...whatever it may be, realize that RAIN IS COMING. Look to the skies, even if it takes a hundred times of looking for the rain, God is whispering to you that it is coming, and right when it seems like it isn't going to happen, you will see that little cloud, no bigger than a man's hand, rising from the sea...and get ready. Once the rain starts...He will wash over you - cleansing you, restoring you, bringing you Joy.
Just don't give up. It might be a cloudless day today, but Rain is Coming.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Living a Box-Less Life
My sincerest apologies for the blog silence the last few weeks. I have some circumstances arise that have given me alot to think about, but little to write. I mean, I have had alot on my mind lately.
Doubt.
Fear.
Hope.
God.
Ministry.
Love.
Restoration.
Compassion.
Marriage.
Stalkers.
Frustration.
Helping.
Hoping.
Worship.
Last Sunday, at the peak of my frustration with current situations, I was driving to the Dollar Tree, and I began to just talk to God. I asked Him to help me find more ministry opportunities. The conversation was that simple. I stepped into the store a few minutes after that, greeted by a mentally challenged girl with a smile that immediately melted my heart and left a lasting impression on my soul. Normally I would've just passed her by, but her smile blessed my heart so much, I couldn't stop thinking about it. As I shopped, I saw a woman in a wheelchair pushing a grocery cart by herself. I walked away from her, thinking, I would love to push that grocery cart and just spend some time with her. After that I passed an older lady cutting her own grass, I drove by thinking, I would love to be able to cut her grass for her.
I began to realize that I asked for ministry opportunities, and God was beginning to provide them. They came in packages I would not have readily recognized in the past. They weren't familiar ministries that I have felt I was "called" to be apart of. And I began to understand that for years I have boxed myself in to a corner, where I have missed thousands of ministry opportunities because it was "my calling". I have blatantly misused the verse in the Bible, regarding people using the gifts they have, as a crutch and an excuse for me not to help others.
We limit the extent of our ministry and how much God can use when we use the phrase "thats not my gift". I have felt like the only tangible ministry I had to offer, was the experiences of my widowhood, but God wants to take my box, and tear it wide open, exposing me to multiple ministry opportunities. Opportunities to bless people in ways that I couldn't have imagined myself being able to do. God is challenging me to live a box-less life in all my ways of thinking. To see past the way I see my "abilities" and "inabilities" and see through His eyes...to see a hurting world, waiting for someone to simply just show them they care. That's how we reach people..."with one random act of kindness at a time".
Doubt.
Fear.
Hope.
God.
Ministry.
Love.
Restoration.
Compassion.
Marriage.
Stalkers.
Frustration.
Helping.
Hoping.
Worship.
Last Sunday, at the peak of my frustration with current situations, I was driving to the Dollar Tree, and I began to just talk to God. I asked Him to help me find more ministry opportunities. The conversation was that simple. I stepped into the store a few minutes after that, greeted by a mentally challenged girl with a smile that immediately melted my heart and left a lasting impression on my soul. Normally I would've just passed her by, but her smile blessed my heart so much, I couldn't stop thinking about it. As I shopped, I saw a woman in a wheelchair pushing a grocery cart by herself. I walked away from her, thinking, I would love to push that grocery cart and just spend some time with her. After that I passed an older lady cutting her own grass, I drove by thinking, I would love to be able to cut her grass for her.
I began to realize that I asked for ministry opportunities, and God was beginning to provide them. They came in packages I would not have readily recognized in the past. They weren't familiar ministries that I have felt I was "called" to be apart of. And I began to understand that for years I have boxed myself in to a corner, where I have missed thousands of ministry opportunities because it was "my calling". I have blatantly misused the verse in the Bible, regarding people using the gifts they have, as a crutch and an excuse for me not to help others.
We limit the extent of our ministry and how much God can use when we use the phrase "thats not my gift". I have felt like the only tangible ministry I had to offer, was the experiences of my widowhood, but God wants to take my box, and tear it wide open, exposing me to multiple ministry opportunities. Opportunities to bless people in ways that I couldn't have imagined myself being able to do. God is challenging me to live a box-less life in all my ways of thinking. To see past the way I see my "abilities" and "inabilities" and see through His eyes...to see a hurting world, waiting for someone to simply just show them they care. That's how we reach people..."with one random act of kindness at a time".
Saturday, April 4, 2009
One Word
Blogstipated.
I have lost the ability to coherently write my thoughts. Maybe the Lord will provide some inspiration tomorrow. We shall see...
I have lost the ability to coherently write my thoughts. Maybe the Lord will provide some inspiration tomorrow. We shall see...
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Ode to the Sunday AKA Fun Day
Saturday night I drove home listening to one song over and over, "Always" by Hillsongs. Theres one part in particular that really got my attention last night "...Can I feel You in the rain? Abandon all I am to have You Capture me again..." It was raining last night which only emphasized the powerfulness of this one particular part of that song. I have been so confused lately about my feelings for CinderFella. I mean, he is wonderful, but we haven't exactly been clicking and its been leading me to a bit of frustration in my life. As I drove home, in the rain, thinking about that song and how God empties us only to be filled again, I could not shake the doubts and concerns I had about Cinderfella.
Later, I laid in bed, my mind a swirling vortex of thoughts and emotions. I could not sleep even if I wanted to, so I just laid there and gave in to the swirly thoughts...thinking thinking thinking. Of course all the normal thoughts popped in...should I blog, what to wear, Cinderfella, altar, Cinderfella, awkwardness, WHAT.
As I sat that contemplating the awkwardness I felt with Cinderfella lately and how things just weren't popping into place with us, I realized that I had neglected to fully give this up to the Lord, I did not fully lay this down on the altar. I had been so convinced that he was my answer to prayer, that I neglected to truly seek God's opinion on this. I laid in bed and began praying that God would truly direct my steps and that I could fully lay this down on the altar, and if it was not meant to be, then I would be fully content in this.
Its funny how, when you do something sacrificial like offer to give up the person of your dreams, God gives you little reminders that your sacrifice does not go unnoticed. Under normal circumstances, I would have woken up the next day down and would have been disheartened because I was slowly starting to realize that it was not meant to be, but instead God arranged a beautiful series of surprises just for me.
First, worship at Sunday School was probably the most intense I have felt it. Which was funny considering we were extraordinarily unprepared. After sunday school I went to meet a friend at Panera to go to a different church and I couldn't find him in Panera, so I went out into the parking lot and also in the parking lot at the same exact time was my best friend, Jessica, who had been in town at a wedding batchelorette weekend. She was on the way home, but stopped off to get something from Best Buy and decided to pop over to Starbucks. She lives over 4 hours away and she did not call me because she thought I was in church, but God arranged it that the both of us were in that parking lot at the same time, just so we could see eachother. The final gift was stepping into the church during worship and they began doing the song "Always"...I was like...hold up. Coincidence? Godincidence? The very song that got me thinking about abandoning everything I am and want simply for God's glory, that was the song they chose to sing.
So it was a day full of beautiful, glorious, unexpected surprises that made my heart so overflowingly full. God's still making beauty for my ashes...in so many unexpected ways.
Later, I laid in bed, my mind a swirling vortex of thoughts and emotions. I could not sleep even if I wanted to, so I just laid there and gave in to the swirly thoughts...thinking thinking thinking. Of course all the normal thoughts popped in...should I blog, what to wear, Cinderfella, altar, Cinderfella, awkwardness, WHAT.
As I sat that contemplating the awkwardness I felt with Cinderfella lately and how things just weren't popping into place with us, I realized that I had neglected to fully give this up to the Lord, I did not fully lay this down on the altar. I had been so convinced that he was my answer to prayer, that I neglected to truly seek God's opinion on this. I laid in bed and began praying that God would truly direct my steps and that I could fully lay this down on the altar, and if it was not meant to be, then I would be fully content in this.
Its funny how, when you do something sacrificial like offer to give up the person of your dreams, God gives you little reminders that your sacrifice does not go unnoticed. Under normal circumstances, I would have woken up the next day down and would have been disheartened because I was slowly starting to realize that it was not meant to be, but instead God arranged a beautiful series of surprises just for me.
First, worship at Sunday School was probably the most intense I have felt it. Which was funny considering we were extraordinarily unprepared. After sunday school I went to meet a friend at Panera to go to a different church and I couldn't find him in Panera, so I went out into the parking lot and also in the parking lot at the same exact time was my best friend, Jessica, who had been in town at a wedding batchelorette weekend. She was on the way home, but stopped off to get something from Best Buy and decided to pop over to Starbucks. She lives over 4 hours away and she did not call me because she thought I was in church, but God arranged it that the both of us were in that parking lot at the same time, just so we could see eachother. The final gift was stepping into the church during worship and they began doing the song "Always"...I was like...hold up. Coincidence? Godincidence? The very song that got me thinking about abandoning everything I am and want simply for God's glory, that was the song they chose to sing.
So it was a day full of beautiful, glorious, unexpected surprises that made my heart so overflowingly full. God's still making beauty for my ashes...in so many unexpected ways.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Theology, Pack-Rattyness, and Promises...
Don't worry...this blog is NOT about theology.
I sit here on the couch beneath piles of books on Calvin, Covenant Theologies, Dispensationalism, and various assorted books on subjects that are too theological for my small brain to even begin to comprehend. I'm not reading these books (if I even ventured into that realm of understanding I would quickly run out as if the building was on fire).
I am sitting here though pondering how wonderful God' mercies and promises are. Constantly being reminded of how wonderful His love is for me and how beautifully it encompasses my very being.
"Not one word has failed of all the good promises He gave"
1 Kings 8:56
Tonight I went through my Bible, reading all the different notes and papers that were nestled inside of it. A few things caught my eye...things that I wrote down right after Shannon died, things that I was clinging to with all my life in hopes of understanding the depth of God's Love for me and His purpose in everything that happened.
I remember sitting down and writing on a piece of paper "What is God calling you to do? Is He asking you to lay your dreams on the altar? Is he asking you to throw your dreams in the trash?" This thought had consumed me for a long time as I thought about the fact that in being a widow, I not only lost my husband but the children I did not have. And in being obedient, I had to lay my dreams on the altar. Flipping through the paper once more I came across this note :
I sit here on the couch beneath piles of books on Calvin, Covenant Theologies, Dispensationalism, and various assorted books on subjects that are too theological for my small brain to even begin to comprehend. I'm not reading these books (if I even ventured into that realm of understanding I would quickly run out as if the building was on fire).
I am sitting here though pondering how wonderful God' mercies and promises are. Constantly being reminded of how wonderful His love is for me and how beautifully it encompasses my very being.
"Not one word has failed of all the good promises He gave"
1 Kings 8:56
Tonight I went through my Bible, reading all the different notes and papers that were nestled inside of it. A few things caught my eye...things that I wrote down right after Shannon died, things that I was clinging to with all my life in hopes of understanding the depth of God's Love for me and His purpose in everything that happened.
I remember sitting down and writing on a piece of paper "What is God calling you to do? Is He asking you to lay your dreams on the altar? Is he asking you to throw your dreams in the trash?" This thought had consumed me for a long time as I thought about the fact that in being a widow, I not only lost my husband but the children I did not have. And in being obedient, I had to lay my dreams on the altar. Flipping through the paper once more I came across this note :
"5/3/2008
Claiming the Promises of Ruth
-Childless, Widow, Moved to a new land
Met her husband and together they began a family that was the predecessor for something amazing."
That was a turning point for me, a place where God gently held me in His hands and reminded me that my time was coming. And while hope fades in and out for me, His promises stay pure, stay true. He never waives in His mercy and love for us. He never fails. He never forgets.
Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5
Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Galatians 6:9
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
I am reminded ever so gently and constantly that a) God has a purpose for my life b) God is the restorer and sustainer of my joy and c) God's promises stand true. Just a random blog to voice how much I am in love with God lately.
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