Another Ostrich day...

And so the testing of my faith continues today...

"...Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything..." James 1:2-5

Day 2 of my " I wish I were an Ostrich, so I could bury head" continues. It has brought some interesting things to light though. Things that I'm sure more people struggle with than realize. Let's get over the basic understandings of the whole grieving process and the toll it takes on a person. I'm looking past all of that...I am in the final stages of grieving the loss of my husband, but in finding these final stages it has begun bringing some things in my heart to light...things that have been very hidden, very isolated, very dark.

Today I am not only grieving the loss of my husband, I am grieiving the loss of...

At this point, I'm going to take a step back...I'm finding it increasingly difficult to put into words what I'm feeling. To capture the true essence of how deeply hurting I am. I told someone today I feel "emotionally fractured". The subject I am hovering of, is simply the subject of deep hurts. Deep, buried hurts. Things that go so deep in your heart, that you don't realize you are still struggling with these hurts until something dredges them up from the bottom and once you realize how much you are really struggling, you then realize that you have no idea how to actually make things better. Its alot harder to say "self - stop hurting".

For me, its the whole subject of having a baby...or lack thereof.

I made a prediction that certain ones of my friends would be pregnant this year...and it has happened. Specifically two of my best friends are both pregnant. And the weight of this news has left me fractured. I am insanely happy for both of them. Happy that they are starting their family, that they didn't have fertility issues. I am happy that they are moving into this next phase of life.

But at the same time, I am incredibley sad. Saddened by the fact that God did not let us have a child. And saddened even more by the fact that my life has seemed to stop and begin going in reverse from the course I feel it should be on. Instead of people congratulating me on news of my pregnancy, I've had to listen to their sincere condolescenes. Instead of picking out nursery furniture with my husband, I was picking out a casket for my husband.

So as you can see, a deep well of pain is within me. And I feel like I'm struggling to gain my footing. Out of my own mouth today, I told someone that I loved the fact that God was using my situation to reach others, but I was ready for it to stop and that I just wanted to be normal. Most people cry out to God for Him to give them a ministry to reach others. I seem to be running from it.

But ultimately, at the end of the day (and several pieces of chocolate later)...I just have to sit back and remind myself Romans 8:28..

"...And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose..."

I so readily forget that I have been chosen for a purpose few can bear...a purpose that I was hand selected by the one who created me. "Many are called but few are chosen". Its a daunting task that requires me to be completely transparent yet still full of hope. Even as I'm sifting through these deep hurts that I haven't really found healing in, I am comforted in knowing that...

"...those that sow in tears, with reap with songs of joy..." Psalm 126:5

I'm being very real about this whole subject. Very Transparent. I am human and I hurt. But thankfully, I know that soon I will be singing songs of joy.

Some days I wish I were an Ostrich...

No, seriously...some days I do. Why today of all days? I have my suspicions...

Dates and Anniversaries have always been a very huge part of my life. I look at each one with either intense joy or immense pain. Today I feel like February may be the worst month of the year...attribute is to a night of horrible sleeping, attribute is to a lack of vitamins in combination with a pathetic diet lately, or attribute it to the fact that a year ago my world fell apart.

Take your pick.

I am remembering vividly things I haven't thought about in a year. The fact that we had finished re-doing our bathroom and how proud I was of the job that Shannon did. I remember us having friends over and deciding it was time to celebrate Hallowuary (Halloween in February). I am remembering Valentines day especially - Shannon buying his dream guitar, us enjoying our favorite racqlette meal together, us going and staying at a hotel in Raleigh. I am remembering especially that fact that a year ago this week was the last time I was with my husband.

Despite these overwhelming emotions and this outpouring of memories I am feeling as I survey my life a year ago this month, I think of one thing very clearly. Romans 8 : 18-27.

"...I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will..."

These momentary troubles I am facing are instilling in me a gift more precious than anything in the world...glorious freedom and hope. The things I have been faced with throughout the past year have taught me so many things about who God truly is and how much He truly loves me. There are times where my heart and my head begin to become unbalanced with eachother, and its in these times where my focus begins to turn violently on me and in turn, this turn makes me feel like my world is falling apart at the seams. I begin to survey each and every problem with my life and how things turned out and doubt begins to creep into my life. Doubt that God really has a plan for me. And then this doubt turns to fear. Fear that I will always be alone. And then I begin to panic. When the panic begins, the Spirit of the Living God rushes in on me like a flood.

There is a line in a song that says "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking"...it always struck me as beautiful and odd. His grace is an ocean...an endless, life-giving body that sustains us, and all we have to do is let it overwhelm us. I love Grace.

As my heart is still pondering many, many things...many memories, many fears, I want to leave you with one thing. We had two very dear friends who went through a very tough time trying to have a baby. Shannon and I both spent many, many times praying and crying on behalf of this couple. The wife, who I love more than she'll ever know, told me a story about how her father had recounted the story in the bible that if we pray for bread, He won't give us stones...after I told Shannon this story and recounting to him about our own struggle with infertility and how I felt like God was giving me stones...he wrote this song. I haven't read this song in a few years, and I just stumbled upon it last night...the words though really spoke to me...

If I ask you for bread Why do I bear these stones

you say you'll never leave me But I feel so alone

Its hard to explain I don't always understand your ways

I refuse to lay down and die, won't let this moment pass me by

I'll build a ountain and I will over come

this pain that I'm feeling won't leave me undone

the purpose of the stones that you have brought me to

Was to build up a mountain so I could be close to you

If I really believe In everything you've said

then if this pain kills me you'll raise me from the dead

to trust and obey for me there is no other way

I'll hang on to faith, for today is the day

I truly understand that God is who He says He is...and with each new level of this understanding, I feel another part of my grave clothes slipping off my body...revealing a new, living person.

I love Grace.

Songs...

I notice that at times during this journey, there are little things that God surrounds me with to bring me great encouragement. One of the biggest things he does is brings songs into my life that speak volumes to my heart. One such song is "Desert Song"... For months I had seen the title of this song, but did not ever take the time to actually listen to it. While on a road trip to Florida, I listened to the song and became instantly amazed. It personafies alot of the feelings I feel lately...I feel like I'm in a desert, but walking towards a great harvest...so without further adieu...here are the lyrics and further down the actual song itself.

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praiseI will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoiceI will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life In every season
You are still GodI have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

This is what my reality looks like...

Psalm 103:1-4
Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,who redeems your life from the pit and
crowns you with love and compassion.

It is unbelievable to think that 11 months ago was the beginning of the end. I have struggled so much within the last week...struggled with my self-esteem, struggled with how I see God, struggled with feeling so alone. I keep hearing the title of the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" and I keep mumbling that the version I'm going to pen will be titled "When God Writes Your Death Story"...I know, that is a little morbid, but it's 100% honesty at its rawest. My mind has run rampant with pure and utter resentment towards the "perfects", people who seem to float through life with nothing but good things going their way. I have harbored bitterness in my heart towards people who are able to easily have a beautiful marriage, complete with beautiful babies. I have felt a brokenness within me, that if not contained could very well break my spirit and leave me the shattered-shadow of a person.

As you can see, its been pretty rough.

Now I realize that its all a mixture of natural human emotion and very specific spiritual warfare...and in keeping that in mind, I know that I have to keep my eye on the prize, that I have to keep praising my God. I look at Job, and he refused to "curse God and die"...he kept his eyes towards heaven. I look within myself and see an ocean of dreams waiting to be fulfilled and my only hope in this, is God. So as I enter into what I begin to believe may be a "tough month", I'm going to stand firm on God's truth that "sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning". I believe God is challenging me to hold on to my dreams and keep them close to my heart...despite present circumstances.

So Sarah Webb...what dreams are you holding on to.

To one day experience living life with the man that God is preparing for me...now I know this is going to be a tough job for whoever you are. You have incredibley large shoes to fill and you are going to have to be an absolutely exceptional person, full of integrity, strength, and love. I realize that I may not fit the mold of a typical person, but trust me when I say that I dance through life with a joy that most of the times is uncontainble. This last year has been a time of testing; testing of my character, testing of my inner strength, testing of my faith...but I promise you, that the sky is breaking and I can start to see the sun shine. And one day, when you look into my eyes, I will set your heart on fire with joy. One day you are going to read this, so I might as well keep going with my dreams. I want to adopt 6 children from all over the world...children who need a mom and dad to love them unconditionally, to give them a good life, to raise them up to be princes and princesses of God...I know that God has prepared me to be an amazing mom, and I'm sure you are going to be an amazing dad, and together we will impact young lives that in turn will impact the world. And as we cultivate our family and grow together in love, I also want a living room that is light yellow with stark white trim, a greenhouse in the backyard full of beautiful, growing plants, family dinners that have endless amounts of joyful laughter echoing throughout our home. These are my dreams, these are the things I hold dear in my heart.

So, 11 month anniversary...I can choose to be completely misreable and sad, and slide back into grieving...or I can choose to hold tight to my dreams, and get buckled in...because once you begin believing in your dreams, God takes you on a wild ride.I've shed enough tears...I'm now choosing to buckle my seatbelt.

As my heart breaks into a thousand pieces...

Strength in numbers.

I open and read an email and proceed with reading a blog and my heart simply fell apart.

Let's begin at the beginning.

I was blessed enough to meet E. I will call her E because I'm not sure if she wants her name painted all over my blog. But in meeting E and talking with E, I found an extreme amount of comfort from her words. She too was a young widow, her husband suddenly dying, leaving her with two very small children. She gave me comfort, she gave me hope, she gave me love. It were her words that affirmed me and calmed my fears. She let the light of Christ shine through her heart into my email, and let her radiating love burst through my computer screen. I will always remember the blessing of E.

Today, a friend from school approached me about allowing another friend read my blog. Of course, I was thrilled at this...When I went online and looked at this new friends blog, my heart slowly began to unravel. By the end of the night after she had befriended me on facebook, sent me an email, and I spent a good amount of time looking at pictures and reading her blog...I can safely say that my heart is so heavy right now, I'm surprised it hasn't dropped right out of my chest. This new friend, another E, lost her husband a few months. And like myself, had been trying to have a baby. My heart broke into a thousand pieces reading her blog. I literally wanted to crawl through the computer screen and hug her. I would've never thought in a thousand years that would be two of us, so similar in circumstance.

And so to you, dear sweet E. My heart aches with the very thought of your situation and at the same it overflows with love. I leave you with this thought...

From Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

From Isaiah 54:10 "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

From Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

From Psalm 126:5-6 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy, He who goes out weeping carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with him My final thought...From Eccl 3:4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance

One day E, you will dance again...until then, His unwavering Love surrounds you.

You know you are getting better when...

Your memories make you smile instead of break into tears.
When someone else's pain hurts you more than your own.
When you can tell someone else life really DOES go on.
one day you wake up and you don't have to remind yourself to breathe.
you want to find a way to leave your grief in the past.
you find you are actually enjoying living.
you can come home and be content in an empty house.

I found this at : http://www.widownet.org/

To Really See The Hands of God...

"Into Your hands I commit my spirit,redeem me, Oh Lord, the God of Truth"
Psalm 31:5

So many people have made the comment that I am "strong" and they marvel at "my strength". In truth, this "strength" that I have is not me. Its something deeper than me. Something further than me. Its something that sustains me and can sustain you. This strength I walk in daily and find my comfort and peace was pre-ordained at this very moment for me. This strength that I have needed was prepared for me well in advance."For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and to not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future..." Jeremiah 29:11I wanted to share the story of how gracious and good God is to me. Well before Shannon died, God prepared my heart for the very moment of Shannon's passing. There are things about the time before he died that will really show the greatness and mercy of God. There are ten things that God revealed to me about Shannon dying...things revealed years ago, things revealed not so long ago...each thing though bore a lesson for me to learn and brought a comfort to me in a time where most people crumble under the grief.

1. The Mantle. Years ago I came to the realization that God was passing the Mantle of Keith Green on to me. Keith Green has always been one of my favorite musicians. The first song I ever learned on the piano was a Keith Green song. When I was a senior I did a report on Keith Green's amazing life and untimely death. I had settled it in my heart that God was passing on the passion and talent of Keith Green to me. I had commented this to Shannon quite often and made the observation that Shannon's music was similar to Keith Green's in his chord structure, lyrics, spirit, etc. Shannon had said to me that he felt that when God said that the mantle was being passed to me, that it was really our union and ministry. Keith Green was at the height of his ministry and success when he died at 29.

2. The Revelation. When we got married God revealed to me that Shannon and I would only have 7 years. I never shared this with Shannon, because Shannon was so convinced that we would be together for 50 years or more. But each time Shannon would get sick, my heart would be reminded of the revelation that God revealed to me. He let me begin the preparations in my heart for losing the love of my life.

3. The Example. One of my favorite books is "Through the Gates of Splendor" by Elisabeth Elliot. I actually got the opportunity to meet Elisabeth Elliot years ago and did not know the full depths of the amazing woman of God I was meeting. I read her book after I met her. She lost her husband, and her book bears witness to her devotion to God and how she handled her life afterwards. I have had Elisabeth Elliot listed as my hero on my myspace page for years.

4. The Mirror Image. One of my favorite books of all time is "Maggie-Now" by Betty Smith. In a nutshell, Maggie-Now marries a man, they can't have a baby and eventually he dies. The books is written so beautifully that you feel like you are a part of the story. I have read this book probably a dozen times...I came to the realization that I was so similar to Maggie-Now a few weeks.

5. The Preparation. Its no secret. On April 17th of this year we would've been trying to get pregnant for 3 very long years. I am the type of person when you go through some major life issue, I read every book I can put my hands on and do as much research as humanly possible. I had read in several places that dealing with infertility was similar to working through the grief process. So for almost 3 years, I have learned the grief process and put into practice recognizing the signs and how to call them as they are and deal with them. Every single month, I went through this process. I was mentally building up the ability to handle traumatic situations and to see God through the situations. Now that I look back I thank God that we did not have a child. God knew that I couldn't handle being a single mother. He also gave us 4 1/2 beautiful years of an awesome marriage.

6. The Feeling. 3 weeks before Shannon died, I had this random, eerie internal conversation where I said to myself "I hope Shannon doesn't die" Then I talked myself through what I would do if he ever died. I think the movie "PS I Love You" or "Catch and Release" triggered this conversation in my head. I didn't think much of it at the time and just brushed it off. God let me start to think about the what-ifs...

7. The Contentment. On New Years Eve I made the public proclamation that in 2008 I would content in WHATEVER happened. I put that into practice and started leaning more on God and focusing less on the whole baby issue. Shannon and I began a merging of our souls, where we truly became one person. Our individual goals become our common goals. Our thoughts were centered on Christ and Each other. Our relationship had gone to an amazing new level.

8. The Peace. The day before Shannon left for Virginia, he stood in the kitchen exclaiming to me that he was in the best place he had ever been in his life. He said he was doing better mentally, physically (even using the phrase "that stomach stuff is way behind me now"), and spiritually. He said that for the first time in a very long time he was walking with God. When you lose someone you love, there's always that uneasiness about where they "go'. I had no question in my head about it. I knew that God had been preparing Shannon for his final departure. That god had arranged people in his path to encourage him and spiritually lift him up. He lived the last 2 months of his life with intense integrity, indescribable peace, and unstoppable faith.

9. The Promise. Years ago we went on a Sunday School trip to the mountains where a pastor spoke over me. I wrote down what he said. It never made sense until Shannon died. I'm only going to put bits and pieces of it, but you can totally get the picture..."...you shall see my power and my anointing flow through you...I have set you on this path and it is my desire to lead you and guide you into the fullness of my will for your life...follow my peace, follow my peace, and I shall lead and guide you in the things that still lie ahead. For you too this is a day of restoration. That which you've seen to consider lost, I still hold. Those things that have been trampled over and seem gone forever are still able in me...look for those things to be restored...so do not give up or give out, For I pour in today so that you may pour out"

10. The Future. God has spoken in my heart things about my future. Things that only He and I know. But He has given me a promise and a hope of what is to come.I stand amazed at the steps that God has ordered during this situation. God gave me 10 confirmations that this whole situation, as dire as it may appear...is completely in His hands. I see myself sitting in his hands...surrounded by His ten fingers... I sit in the palm of His hands, surrounded by his peace...He gave me these ten things to comfort and bring me hope about my future and my destiny. He gave me these promises and warnings and feelings so that I could prepare my heart for this event in my life. This event that drives people to the point of death and despair, this even that leaves people broken and lost forever...God has given me a supernatural peace and an insane faith to take what seems to a bad situation and has shown me that no matter what I do, what I feel, where I go...God is in control and everything is going to be okay.Most people take 12-18 months to really start healing from a traumatic situation like this. I thank God that I can say I am walking in that healing and my faith is being perfected through this. So I leave one final thought...right before the Sunday school trip, God lead me to a series of verses that revealed a huge message for me...for anyone really...

He IS our peace.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life...Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus...Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with you all...I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances...Therefore strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet so that you may not be disabled, but rather healed...Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you...I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone O Lord, make me dwell in safety"