Confessions of a 26 year old widow

And another dream...

2010-05-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

I have written a few times about the powerful dream I had in 2008 that became the catalyst for hope. I held a necklace in my hand that contained my fiance's name and mine and a miniature sewing kit. When I woke up I felt like God spoke to my heart that "this relationship will mend your broken heart". I held onto that dream like a liferaft in a sea of hopelessness. Each time that I felt like my dream was slipping away, I reminded myself of that dream. I cherished it and made it my prayer, and stood on it as a promise straight from my Lord. It came in a season where I wasn't ready to enter into another relationship, and still I held it knowing that it was coming.

A struggle I have been experiencing is the pain of infertility's fingerprint on my heart. When I was married before we tried for three years to have a baby, and went through fertilty treatments and nothing worked. I saw God's hand in that situation and I thank Him for that unanswered prayer. However, the deep desire in my heart to be a mother still remains. I am consumed with the knowledge I have in my head about my previous infertility and my PCOS hormonal imbalance. I know the science behind my inability to get pregnant, I know my hormones are messed up. Its always in the back of my head. Andrew and I went into this marriage, knowing that we may never have biological children and he was okay with that. We both knew that if we couldn't have a baby, that there are lots and lots of children here that need a mom and dad to love them. We knew God had a plan for us as parents. And still my heart was hurting so badly. I wanted so badly to know the feeling of carrying life and the gift of being a mom. Through this, we decided we are not starting a family until Andrew is done with Ministerial Classes, which will be next year. Or maybe even longer.

This is all background.

Saturday night I had a dream. It was short. It was simple. It was profound.

I was having a picture taken of me, my 9 month pregnant belly, and baby blocks that spelled "Nathan".

I woke up from that dream, thinking "I dont even like the name Nathan". Which made me, and Andrew laugh. Well a few days later out of curiousity I went online to see what the name Nathan meant. It means "God has given" or "Gift from God".

Its funny how once again, one simple dream can make such an impact on my spirit. It was like a sweet whisper from God reminding me that He has a plan for me. That my dreams are not forgotten, He holds them in His hands, where they are safe and being formed & prepared. I am so encouraged. Its just like the first dream...its a challenge to stand on hope and reach out in faith knowing that my dreams are still alive and thriving. These are the times where proclaiming that our God is an Awesome God comes as naturally as breathing...

"Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They are all just passing by
Its not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I've been lifted higher
Yahwehs lifted me in His own strength"
- "I Need You" the Swift

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."
- Psalm 126:5

Even 2 years later...

2010-02-25T20:33:00.001-08:00

Here I am.

731 days after my whole world fell apart. I have been testy, emotional, short, snappy, dazed, confused, sad, and just distant this week. Even in the happiest time of my life, that precious gift called "memories" and "grieving" pop back in.

Here's a run down of things since last we talked.

In April God blessed me with the opportunity to begin dating someone absolutely wonderful and amazing. Someone who took care of me, opened the door for me, and made me feel simply complete. And as you can see from the picture...we got married in late November. Hehe (silly, teenage girl laugh)

There is no greater gift that getting another chance to love again. It is twice as sweet, twice as fulfilling, twice as cherished. Andrew is everything I've ever wanted, and I'm so blessed to be able to feel love again.
Amid all my happiness, I still feel the grief within me. Its that place within my heart that only God knows how deep my love was, and how much deeper the loss is. No amount of happiness or healing will ever fill that place. It has not crept up on me for almost a year, and then this week happened. I am at a loss for words on how I feel. The memories, they haunt me. They are just as clear as they were two years ago. The hopes and dreams I watched die remind me of what happened. My body and mind are suffering from the memories.

I guess the lesson I am learning, is I am not invincible. I am not perfect. I am not Superwoman. I am real, and I hurt. And even while being in the happiest place of my entire life, I still feel the sense of loss that occurred. I praise God for being who He is, where He is leading me, and how even when my heart has this one corner of overwhelming sadness - God is constantly filling it up.

Psalms 147 : 3 - "He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds"

I'm praying the Lord uses my brokenness to help others heal. I have felt unstoppable, and I'm coming to a place where I clearly know that the only way I will ever be able to get through this annual "holiday" (a term dubbed by my sister to remember what happened this week in 2008), the only way I will ever get through this...is to simply remind myself that He is God, and if He knows the plan, then all I have to do is simply trust and learn how to lean in closer to Him.

Thank you Lord for the gift of being able to lean closer to You.

Oh, I'm still here.

2009-06-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

I am still here. Its hard to blog about my experiences as a widow, when I'm so insanely happy at the moment. :)

The Update.

2009-04-20T16:43:00.000-07:00

I quite elusively made mention of certain events looming on the horizon in my previous post. I did not want to get ahead of myself, and was really waiting and praying about something before I wanted to go super-public on my beloved blogworld. But here goes.

A couple of months ago my friend Kara sends me the verse from Isaiah 54:2-4...I had begin to pray quite seriously about the whole dating situation, and had gotten to the point where God used specific people to get my focus back in place about what I wanted in a person and keeping my standards high. God used Cinderfella to remind that I had specific things I wanted and inevitabley, God used the whole situation to get my attention back on God and I had gotten to the point where I literally was quite satisfied with being single.

I was quite content. And then...he happened.

I had been friends with Superman-Studmuffin for several years. He was actually friends with my first husband. Since moving to Virginia, I would see him at church, and we would joke around and it was never really more than that. Lately, we had begin talking on facebook and I was getting to the point where I was hoping he would get online just so we could talk. Eventually I invited him over for dinner, and we hung out that night, the next night, the next day, and the next day. [these are the four days referenced in the previous blog post]. I was really thinking I was inventing something, but it was undeniable that the feelings I was having was a two way street. But I gave it up to God, and let Him take control.

The next day, Superman-Studmuffin and I officially became an item. And its safe to say that I ...

HAVE NOT BEEN THIS

HAPPY IN A LONG TIME.

When I'm with him I feel safe, I feel happy, I feel God radiating through our relationship...and I can barely contain the joy I feel. I'm so blessed to be able to have the opportunity to enjoy a relationship again...and I can only imagine the places God is going to take this. Oh...I can feel the sun shining on my face again, and its a glorious day indeed! God is good Indeed!

Rain is Coming...

2009-04-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

The past four days have been so amazing and encouraging and wonderful. I am not going to go into details yet, but let's just say I see God up to some things and it is starting to get me unbelievabley excited. So many blessings and beautiful things that my heart can barely contain it.

Today I woke up at 5:15am and got ready for Sunrise Service at church. It was so breathtaking to watch the sun slowly rise from the Blue Ridge Mountains and stand on the mountainside proclaiming "Jesus is Alive Indeed" ! It was a great time of reflection and worship, considering the immeasurable sacrifice that our Lord went through for us. The pain and agony He bore on the cross so that we could be free from our bondage to sin and free to live a life of pure joy. After this gorgeous day, I was cleaning up my bedroom tonight and just thinking about everything that has transpired through out this week and weekend, and then thinking about how "happy" had seemed so far away and now it seems so within my grasp I can feel it tickling my fingertips. And then I was reminded of a story in 1 Kings 18:41-46.

The context of this story is that, there had been a massive drought in the land for quite some time and Elijah presented himself before Ahab and told him to get ready because a great rain was coming. Then Elijah sent his servant out 6 times to look for the clouds, and there was nothing. The seventh time however, there was a cloud as small as a man's hand coming from the sea. And after that it rained and rained and rained.

Hope, Happiness, and the Fulfillment of God's promises. These are the things I thought of. In my own life, through these experiences of losing Shannon, reclaiming my life, dealing with debt & frustration, my severe self esteem issues, always worrying that I will never find anyone, etc. In all of these "drought" times, God was whispering to me to watch for the rain, because it was coming. Each time I stood on the mountainside saying "God, I don't even see a cloud in the sky"..."God, I don't see how there's going to be a way out of this"..."God, I don't see how anyone will ever really love me". Multiple times I have cried these things out to the Lord, and still He whispers "Rain is coming".

My dear friend Kara, who has stood multiple times in the gap for me, send me an email a few months ago. She began it by saying, she never knows if its really God that is speaking things through her, but she gave me a scripture.

"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!
You're ending up with far more children
than all those childbearing women."
God says so!"
Clear lots of ground for your tents!
Make your tents large.
Spread out! Think big!Use plenty of rope,
drive the tent pegs deep.You're going to need lots of elbow room
for your growing family.You're going to take over whole nations;
you're going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed.
Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short.
You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,
and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.
For your Maker is your bridegroom,
his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,
known as God of the whole earth.
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief,
and God welcomed you back,Like a woman married young
and then left," says your God." Isaiah 54:2-4

I read this passage this week, and realized the promises of God are unmistakable. That I can rely and trust them. God is constantly reassuring my shrinking faith, that He is not a man that He should lie and that I can rest in His promises. Alot has happened the past few weeks, God has given and has taken. With the introduction of Cinderfella, it only strengthened my hope in a future and made me realize the things I want in a future mate. And with the realization that Cinderfella wasn't what I really wanted, I placed that dream on the altar and gave it to God. And with that action, I heard a small voice whispering to me "Rain is Coming". This week, however, I stood on the mountain when He whispered that to my heart and I literally could see a cloud as small as a man's hand coming from the sea. And I realized that my rain is coming. That my happy is slowly on its way.

Without much detail, I am watching this cloud get bigger and bigger each day, and my heart is nearly about to explode with pure joy at the things going on. My faith is being affirmed daily. And I am so blessed to be able to recognize whats going on and to be able to enjoy the process of standing in His rain.

(Can I feel you in the rain? Abandon all I am to have you capture me again - remember that post a few weeks ago?)

My God surrounded me with sorrow in order for me to fully recognize how beautiful and how merciful His heart is. On this Easter day, I give thanks to God for His sacrifice and how He bore my sins, so that I could experience this new feeling of Joy that is radiating from inside of me. He took my place on that tree so that I could experience fullness of Joy. How beautiful are the hands and feet that bore the nails. How peaceful are the eyes that saw me in my darkest hour and still loved me enough to take my place.

Oh he is beautiful. Today, I want to encourage you and challenge you to never give up in your circumstances. That, although it seems like you are experiencing a drought - be it through finances, infertility, widowhood, bitterness, etc...whatever it may be, realize that RAIN IS COMING. Look to the skies, even if it takes a hundred times of looking for the rain, God is whispering to you that it is coming, and right when it seems like it isn't going to happen, you will see that little cloud, no bigger than a man's hand, rising from the sea...and get ready. Once the rain starts...He will wash over you - cleansing you, restoring you, bringing you Joy.

Just don't give up. It might be a cloudless day today, but Rain is Coming.

Living a Box-Less Life

2009-04-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

My sincerest apologies for the blog silence the last few weeks. I have some circumstances arise that have given me alot to think about, but little to write. I mean, I have had alot on my mind lately.

Doubt.
Fear.
Hope.
God.
Ministry.
Love.
Restoration.
Compassion.
Marriage.
Stalkers.
Frustration.
Helping.
Hoping.
Worship.

Last Sunday, at the peak of my frustration with current situations, I was driving to the Dollar Tree, and I began to just talk to God. I asked Him to help me find more ministry opportunities. The conversation was that simple. I stepped into the store a few minutes after that, greeted by a mentally challenged girl with a smile that immediately melted my heart and left a lasting impression on my soul. Normally I would've just passed her by, but her smile blessed my heart so much, I couldn't stop thinking about it. As I shopped, I saw a woman in a wheelchair pushing a grocery cart by herself. I walked away from her, thinking, I would love to push that grocery cart and just spend some time with her. After that I passed an older lady cutting her own grass, I drove by thinking, I would love to be able to cut her grass for her.

I began to realize that I asked for ministry opportunities, and God was beginning to provide them. They came in packages I would not have readily recognized in the past. They weren't familiar ministries that I have felt I was "called" to be apart of. And I began to understand that for years I have boxed myself in to a corner, where I have missed thousands of ministry opportunities because it was "my calling". I have blatantly misused the verse in the Bible, regarding people using the gifts they have, as a crutch and an excuse for me not to help others.

We limit the extent of our ministry and how much God can use when we use the phrase "thats not my gift". I have felt like the only tangible ministry I had to offer, was the experiences of my widowhood, but God wants to take my box, and tear it wide open, exposing me to multiple ministry opportunities. Opportunities to bless people in ways that I couldn't have imagined myself being able to do. God is challenging me to live a box-less life in all my ways of thinking. To see past the way I see my "abilities" and "inabilities" and see through His eyes...to see a hurting world, waiting for someone to simply just show them they care. That's how we reach people..."with one random act of kindness at a time".

One Word

2009-04-04T20:23:00.001-07:00

Blogstipated.

I have lost the ability to coherently write my thoughts. Maybe the Lord will provide some inspiration tomorrow. We shall see...

Ode to the Sunday AKA Fun Day

2009-03-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

Saturday night I drove home listening to one song over and over, "Always" by Hillsongs. Theres one part in particular that really got my attention last night "...Can I feel You in the rain? Abandon all I am to have You Capture me again..." It was raining last night which only emphasized the powerfulness of this one particular part of that song. I have been so confused lately about my feelings for CinderFella. I mean, he is wonderful, but we haven't exactly been clicking and its been leading me to a bit of frustration in my life. As I drove home, in the rain, thinking about that song and how God empties us only to be filled again, I could not shake the doubts and concerns I had about Cinderfella.

Later, I laid in bed, my mind a swirling vortex of thoughts and emotions. I could not sleep even if I wanted to, so I just laid there and gave in to the swirly thoughts...thinking thinking thinking. Of course all the normal thoughts popped in...should I blog, what to wear, Cinderfella, altar, Cinderfella, awkwardness, WHAT.

As I sat that contemplating the awkwardness I felt with Cinderfella lately and how things just weren't popping into place with us, I realized that I had neglected to fully give this up to the Lord, I did not fully lay this down on the altar. I had been so convinced that he was my answer to prayer, that I neglected to truly seek God's opinion on this. I laid in bed and began praying that God would truly direct my steps and that I could fully lay this down on the altar, and if it was not meant to be, then I would be fully content in this.

Its funny how, when you do something sacrificial like offer to give up the person of your dreams, God gives you little reminders that your sacrifice does not go unnoticed. Under normal circumstances, I would have woken up the next day down and would have been disheartened because I was slowly starting to realize that it was not meant to be, but instead God arranged a beautiful series of surprises just for me.

First, worship at Sunday School was probably the most intense I have felt it. Which was funny considering we were extraordinarily unprepared. After sunday school I went to meet a friend at Panera to go to a different church and I couldn't find him in Panera, so I went out into the parking lot and also in the parking lot at the same exact time was my best friend, Jessica, who had been in town at a wedding batchelorette weekend. She was on the way home, but stopped off to get something from Best Buy and decided to pop over to Starbucks. She lives over 4 hours away and she did not call me because she thought I was in church, but God arranged it that the both of us were in that parking lot at the same time, just so we could see eachother. The final gift was stepping into the church during worship and they began doing the song "Always"...I was like...hold up. Coincidence? Godincidence? The very song that got me thinking about abandoning everything I am and want simply for God's glory, that was the song they chose to sing.

So it was a day full of beautiful, glorious, unexpected surprises that made my heart so overflowingly full. God's still making beauty for my ashes...in so many unexpected ways.

Theology, Pack-Rattyness, and Promises...

2009-03-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

Don't worry...this blog is NOT about theology.

I sit here on the couch beneath piles of books on Calvin, Covenant Theologies, Dispensationalism, and various assorted books on subjects that are too theological for my small brain to even begin to comprehend. I'm not reading these books (if I even ventured into that realm of understanding I would quickly run out as if the building was on fire).

I am sitting here though pondering how wonderful God' mercies and promises are. Constantly being reminded of how wonderful His love is for me and how beautifully it encompasses my very being.

"Not one word has failed of all the good promises He gave"
1 Kings 8:56

Tonight I went through my Bible, reading all the different notes and papers that were nestled inside of it. A few things caught my eye...things that I wrote down right after Shannon died, things that I was clinging to with all my life in hopes of understanding the depth of God's Love for me and His purpose in everything that happened.

I remember sitting down and writing on a piece of paper "What is God calling you to do? Is He asking you to lay your dreams on the altar? Is he asking you to throw your dreams in the trash?" This thought had consumed me for a long time as I thought about the fact that in being a widow, I not only lost my husband but the children I did not have. And in being obedient, I had to lay my dreams on the altar. Flipping through the paper once more I came across this note :

"5/3/2008

Claiming the Promises of Ruth

-Childless, Widow, Moved to a new land

Met her husband and together they began a family that was the predecessor for something amazing."

That was a turning point for me, a place where God gently held me in His hands and reminded me that my time was coming. And while hope fades in and out for me, His promises stay pure, stay true. He never waives in His mercy and love for us. He never fails. He never forgets.

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5

Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Galatians 6:9

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

I am reminded ever so gently and constantly that a) God has a purpose for my life b) God is the restorer and sustainer of my joy and c) God's promises stand true. Just a random blog to voice how much I am in love with God lately.

With a Heavy Heart...

2009-03-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

My phone rang this morning and it was my sister. The conversation started with "I have some bad news for you". I asked her on a scale from 1 to 10 how bad, she said "about a 7 1/2". She then proceeded to tell me that someone from our church had passed away. So in honor of this man, I'm going to take time to write my own obituary for him.

On March 24th, 2009 he passed away, leaving behind his beautiful and courageous wife, who has been a constant encouragement to me throughout my own season of losing my husband. He also leaves behind his eldest son and wife, who have been some of the closest friends I've had. They taught me what a marriage should look like and how a Godly family should function, and they offered me support throughout my dating and marriage...offering advice, hugs, laughs, and love. He also leaves behind his younger son and his wife, who also have been some of the closest friends I have ever had the privilege to know. I walked with them during one of the hardest seasons of their life and they walked with me when Shannon died. If ever God designed a family that single-handledly touched thousands of people through each member and their life and testimony - this is that such family. I have been honored to be with these people and experience their loving friendships to the point where I can call them familiy.

I love each and every one of you...and we are sending as much love and prayer your way as we can.

Please join with me in continual prayer for this family and their grieve the loss of their husband, father, and grandfather.

God, Can I take a Vacation From my Life now?

2009-03-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

This whole beautiful dance with CinderFella and unclogging some hidden abilities deep within me, such as having a crush, has been one exciting, intriguing, and exhilerating time in my life.

And then tonight happens.

And then I have to tell him about me being a widow.

And then I am screaming to myself "WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I'VE SCARED HIM AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Actually it didn't go like that. But I did have to tell him about me being a Widow and the whole story (at least bits and pieces). He did not freak out, he did not act different...It was me, whose mind went immediately to thinking that now I live in the "Non-Dateable" box. It was me, who immediately began stressing and thinking that he definitely won't ever date me now.

So we will just have to wait and see on this one. I have said that stupid phrase SOOOO much this week.

On another side note, out of 4 nights of sleep I had 3 Lazarus-Shannon dreams. It is reaking havoc on me mentally...draining all my energy. My prayer is God takes these dreams from me...each one I have is only a reminder of how Shannon did not get better, and I just can't bear continually seeing his face, knowing when I wake up he's gone. And then I'm faced with the reality that I am still alone and just wanting desperately to move on with my life.

This is the time where I am clinging to hope with all thats left within me.

But blogworld, don't worry. I'm not falling off the wagon. I'm really doing good...this is just a natural hiccup in the Widow Road. But the great thing about living on Widow Road, is that its not my permanent residency...soon I'm moving to a new place...on Hope Avenue. (My goodness, I sound like a cheesey christian author--haha)
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"Be joyful in hopeful,
patient in affliction,
faithful in prayer"
Romans 12:12
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"A dream is a wish your heart makes,
when you're fast asleep"
-Cinderella

Beauty for Ashes...

2009-03-20T19:50:00.000-07:00

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."

—Isaiah 61:3

Sweet beauty for ashes. A thought I hold dear to my very soul. To think...when I think everything in my life is being destroyed, God takes this very thing, the bi-product of something being burned, and makes something beautiful with it.

Lately, I have been intrigued with the concept of beauty for ashes. I remember sitting months ago in the coffee shop at church, talking with my friend Kaleb about how I felt like people thought I was "moving too fast" and not "healing" and he stopped me and said that people cannot judge me for how God was making "beauty from ashes". I have heard Kaleb talk about this subject many times since then, each time making the subject grow deeper in my heart.

I really sit and think about the different forms of fires and ashes and how they can be applied to my life.

Life's Fires:

1. God burning away the chaff, the waste

2. Our living sacrifice on the altar

3. The passion of God burning through us

When we begin to see His face and to want to do His will, He will slowly begin to burn away the chaff in our lives. To remove the waste. At the point where we willingly submit our lives to Him, we lay ourselves down at the altar as a living sacrifice, pure and holy from his burning fire. Once we lay ourselves our the altar, He burns us with a passion for Him.

So after this three part burning process, what is left is simply a pile of ashes. I thought to myself, what are some real life uses for ashes. What I found made me take a step back and say "aha"...

~ Enrich Fertilizer

~ Block Garden Pests

~ Melt Ice

~ Control Pond Algae

~ Make Soap

~ Shine Silver

Think abstract. Very abstract.

After we lay ourselves down on the altar, if all we have left are ashes, how can we allow these ashes to be used? We can get the ground ready for a seed , we can keep away the pests in life, we can melt hearts of ice, we can control unhealthy growth, we can use what we are to help clean people, we can take something very dull and dark and make it shine again.

Something as seemingly useless as a pile of ashes, can be used to make an impact on so many. He can use these ashes that seem so useless and make something beautiful with them.

I want so bad for God to take this pile of ashes that I consider my life and make it something beautiful. I never asked to be a widow. When I was a little girl, I didn't say to myself "When I grow up, I want to be a princess or a widow"... God does not want us to say "where do you want me to go and I'll go", He wants us to say "I'll go, now tell me where". I grew up with thoughts and plans for my future. I wanted to be a wife and have lots of children. Even as I transitioned into adulthood I found these things to be intense desires of mine. Especially to be a mom. So many times I held my friends newborn babies and just cried out to God to be able to hold my own child. At the beginning of 2008, I told God I wanted to be content no matter what. I never once imagined life would take me down the road it did and leave me stranded...a barren widow. But from these ashes...from God removing the waste in my life, to me willingly laying down my life to do His purpose, He is bringing forth something beautiful, something indescribable.

I think...its beauty.

I have so many sweet, wonderful widow friends who read my blog. So many of you touch my heart in such deep ways. And I'm watching God making something beautiful with your life and your sacrifice. I think of E and how I have sat and prayed for her, consumed with compassion for her, and surely enough I am watching God make something so incredibley beautiful with her story that it ministers to my spirit. And many of you wonder, why me?

I cannot answer why you or why me for that matter. But I can say that such sacrifice is producing a beauty so intense and so powerful, I can only sit in quiet anticipation as I watch God's power and light resonate from each and every life.

So remember... He is making BEAUTY from ASHES.

And to keep having HOPE for your future....He has a plan. Otherwise, He wouldn't have specifically chosen you for this task. And if my God, who made the heavens and earth, armadillos and candy canes, Canada and a baby's sweet first laugh...my God who made all of this and more chose ME to specifically be the one He uses...If He CHOSE me, then I know I don't have to worry for a moment about where this road is taking me.

Oh such beauty.

At the Foot of the Cross...

2009-03-20T07:10:00.000-07:00

At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me your love
Through the judgement you received
And you've won my heart
Yes you've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death you bore for me
And you've won my heart
Yes you've won my heart

"At The Foot of the Cross"
Kathryn Scott

Speechless...

2009-03-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

I am.

CinderFella has provided me with so much to talk about, so much more that I've had to talk about in a long time. Doubts are flying at my face about the certainty of my future with CinderFella, but my decision to pursue hope would naturally come to this crossroads where I will be tested.

How then shall I proceed?

Well at the moment. I'm not! SURPRISE. I'm gonna sit my suitcase down, sit on it, and just take in the scenery at this crossroads...so I'll remember all the sites, all the sounds, everything I was experiencing at this moment. The thrill of the moment, the excitement, the uncertainty. Its like I was walking down this road and now I'm taking a break to just soak in the sonshine.

There are times when a break is necessary, and while I can't take a break from my life, I can take deliberate moments where I get alone with God and just take Him in. Although, its not like Jesus' 40 days of fasting, I'm trying my hardest to find Him alone with me and rediscover the sweetness in our relationship.
--------------------------------------------------------
"When I saw you, I was ashamed.
You were pure and I was stained.
But you ran to me and you called my name
There were tears of joy upon your face"
-"Home" by Phil Whickam
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"You block your dream
when you allow your fear
to grow bigger than your faith"
-Mary Manin Morrissey
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"Don't stop believing"
-Journey

Such serious thoughts...

2009-03-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

Maybe this one needs a "Preface".

Any of you who know me in real life and not blog life, know that I fully stand on the verse in the Bible about the "joy of the Lord" being my strength. I live with uncontainable joy and an absolute obnoxiously-whole-hearted laugh that pierces hearts (and ear drums). In my writing I try to keep a serious mind, while letting that humor slowly seep out of the woodwork.

The past week have brought so many thoughts and feelings into my life. Things that I haven't felt in forever. I'm sifting through whats real and what I'm imagining and praying that God lends me a tremendous amount of wisdom and direction. I have met a new friend that makes my heart smile, and while I am hoping this turns into more than just a friendship, I am maintaining at the same time, a sense of patience. I didn't want this post to end up being about CinderFella, who has re-introduced into my life the possibility for hopes and dreams I had long packed away.

Several weeks ago I heard someone speak and that made a statement that stuck out in my head...so much so, that I began my quest to actively pursue hope...the quote was "...if you let fear consume your life, you leave no room for hope..."

I don't think I've ever talked about this, but the point I truly began moving on, began simply with a dream. Not only has God equipped me with the great purpose of introducing laughter into everyone I meet, he gives me dreams...lots and lots of dreams. Vivid dreams, prophetic dreams, sweet dreams, etc. I have walked the mountainside with Noah and looked into the valley below, I have seen Shannon's face often when I sleep, I have held the babies my body did not allow me have. I love dreams...they are God's way of blessing you even when you close your eyes and start to sleep.

I had a dream once. I dreamed I held a locket in my hand. I gold circle locket and within this locket, my name and birthday was etched into one side and my husband's name and birthday was etched into the other. This locket was understood to be my engagement locket. Inside this locket there also contained a small glass circle that held a miniature sewing kit.

I woke up asking God what the heck kind of dream was that and when I thought about it, I had an "Aha" moment with God...quite simply I thought of what a sewing kit does...it mends. And then clear as day I heard "this relationship will mend your heart"...I was so impressed with this dream, that I wanted to start this blog and I wanted me holding a locket as my blog header...a reminder each time I wrote that the dream was coming.

It started with a dream.

A dream that there was someone out there, someone who God is forming and fashioning to step into my life, someone who God knows can be trusted with the fragility that is my heart, someone who will be my restoration and my song. I won't even begin to attempt to figure out who this person is. My human mind with its human emotions is so flawed that I will surely fail if I was given the task of finding this person, but God in His great love and sovreignty knows who this person is, and it simply takes me having faith on my part to know and trust that God will reveal this person, at the right moment. And so I wait.

I wait holding onto my dreams and learning new lessons along the way. There is something truly exhilerating and refreshing in waiting. I'm seeing love in a totally new way, with totally new eyes.

"You'll be surprised to know

how far you can go from the point

where you thought it was the end."

- Unknown

---------------------------------------------

"Faith is deliberate confidence

in the character of God

whose ways you may not

understand at the time"

- Oswald Chambers

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"Faith is like electrcity.

You can't see it,

but you can the light"

- Unknown

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"BE TRULY GLAD.

THERE IS WONDERFUL JOY AHEAD!"

- 1 Peter 1:6

How did my Expectations measure up to CinderFella?

2009-03-16T21:37:00.001-07:00

And wow.

Take a breath.

Haven't felt this way in a long time.

For the past week since I met CinderFella, on a daily basis, I would try to calm myself down about him, reasoning that he was probably creepy and I was being unrealistic in thinking he was wonderful. I tried everything in me to convince myself to stop being consumed with thinking about this guy. I even blogged about my realization of unrealistic expectations. I settled in my heart that he was just an invention of my thoughts and nothing more.

I was wrong ( ? ! )

I walked into small group saying to my self "he probably won't even be here. he probably is a loser"...I was literally chanting that to myself as a mantra. As soon as I walked through the door, there he was, smiling at me saying hello. And my heart dropped into my knees. In 10 seconds flat I felt like I had drunk about 6 pots of coffee...jittery, shakey, nervous, etc. I have not felt this way in a really long time. (Yeah, try high school?) It was hard to concentrate during the small group, but I kept saying to myself..."focus on God"...at the end of small group we ended up standing next to eachother talking...the subject of food came up and he decided I needed to cook for him and my friends and even suggested days to do it. And then we went to Ihop.

If this blows over I will preciously remember these school girl feelings with a sincere and intense fondness. If something happens with this, I will always have the deepest appreciation for the International House of Pancakes.

2 Pots of coffee, 30 questions, and 2 hours later...my knowledge base of CinderFella went from 5 facts, to actually knowing about him. We had such a fun time playing 30 questions...saying our middle names, favorite place we've visited, nicknames we've had, etc. I sat next to him just soaking in this very precious time, knowing that in this small way, God was slowly starting to restore parts of my life that I had considered forgotten.

I'm gonna leave this soap opera story with two thoughts. The first...a preacher once spoke prophetically over me saying "I (God) will restore things to you that you considered lost". I am fully believing the restoration is starting to happen...slowly, beautifully, gently. It excites me, terrifies me, thrills me. I have hope for tomorrow and I am basking in the sunshine that is my God.

Thought two. This is to my favorite sweet, very caring, very supportive friends...the Rainbow Warrior and Mercedes. Your sacrifice of losing sleep so I could enjoy quality time at IHOP with you and Cinderfella will forever hold a very special place in my heart. I love you two very much, much more than you know at this present moment. You are gifts from God and I don't think its an accident the way things have arranged themselves around us.

"...today my soul is soaring, way over mountains high,

though I can see the valleys, they're all just passing by.

It's not that I'm much stronger, look at my feeble wings.

But I've been lifted higher, Yahweh's lifted me in His own strenghth..."

-"I Need You" by the Swift

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"Sadness flies away on the wings of time"

-Jean de la Fontaine

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"Those who wish to sing, always find a song"

-Swedish Proverb

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Stay tuned for updates to our story...

Still Unsetlling Distracted...Mr. CinderFella Part 2

2009-03-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

This has been the fastest and slowest week I've had in a while. I think after meeting the now infamous CinderFella, my brain has stayed in a mode of perpetual distraction. Which has been somewhat awesome for me...when I get distracted I am able to go into auto-pilot mode at work and I seemed to get ALOT more things accomplished.

My biggest problem this week has been inventing this amazing new life with CinderFella and our amazing (and completely nonexistent) relationship. So funny, I meet one person and suddently I'm ready to be in a long term relationship, even funnier is the fact that he is essentially a stranger and I know nothing about him.

Oh, these beautiful, pathetic, ironic ... Unrealistic Expectations.

Gotta hate them, gotta love them. Expectations are good...keeping them realistic is even better. My mind is teetering on the verge of my expectations of CinderFella and how wonderful he is. I know 5 facts about this guy...thats it.

I am the poster child for having unrealistic expectations.

So God, how does your word say to handle this...

2 Corinthians 10:5b "...we take EVERY thought (even ridiculously outrageous unrealistic ones) and make it captive to Christ..."

I think of Abraham. Promised a child. Jumped the gun because he and his wife were getting too old. It bit them in the butt. But God was STILL good and still faithful to His promise. And he did have a child (actually, he eventually had several). I know God has promised me a new start and another man that will love me, so I stand in Faith and Hope (and with realistic expectations) about how that will all come about. But until then, I'm gonna fight this beast in my mind...send it packing to Jesus, because if its just me fighting these thoughts, I'm no doubt gonna lose.

So to CinderFella...you might be amazing, you might be a creep...but I will never know until I hit the brakes on our Invisible-Non-Existent Relationship, and start thinking more logically. So for now, let me just concentrate on us being friends.

Increasingly Distracted...

2009-03-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

***WARNING - THERE IS NO JUDGING ALLOWED AFTER YOU READ THIS POST***

You get married with the mindset that this is the one person for you, for the rest of your life and that you will never love another. Then, if you are the unlucky few, you are thrown into this tumultuous circus known as widowhood and you then find yourself back in the rat race known as...

DATING (DUMDUMDUMDUM - scary movie theme inserted here).

Now, when you first step out as a widow, you live under the umbrella of grief that seems to shield you from the single world. Maybe not an umbrella, a tent? Moving on...your heart is healing from being broken and you are learning how to live without the person who has been your lover, your best friend, your everything. Then one day, curiously, you wake up and you aren't crying as much as you used to. You wake up and realize that the sun is actually shining again. You wake up and realize that you are attracted to other men, and you find yourself wanting to encourage this progress in your life, but still ultimately scared that one misstep and you will just injure your already fragile heart.

I am not that person. I knew that my husband was going to die before he did (it was God, I just know it). I was prepared for it and after he died, I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had a plan for all of it, and slowly in the past year, God has revealed this major revelations to me - revelations about my destiny, my future, faith, love, hope, grief, etc. With all that said, this is what the post is really about.

Monday night I went to a small group we lovingly call House Church. A bunch of college aged kids that get together to do some praise and worship and talk about God. This past week, we had a bonfire and we just had a good time of fellowship. It has been a few months since I've gone to HC, so I knew there would be some new faces. I noticed one face in particular, a new guy...I didn't think much of it when I first got there. We had the bonfire, and we were fellowshipping after P&W and sharing time, and he was making his rounds meeting everyone. He came up to me and introduced himself, and I immediately noticed these piercing blue eyes. He made a joke about how I shook hands (and proceeded to shake my hand, like 4 times). We started talking, asking where we were from, what we did, etc. He was joking with me, talking to me, watching me (with those piercing blue eyes). I noted in my head that he looked a little like Jesus and he had the most soothing voice I've ever heard. I felt like there was a connection with us, but just figured it was me inventing things in my head. When it was time to go, we said our goodbyes and parted ways.

The next day it hit me...I seriously and most definitely was feeling something for this guy. And I felt like it was a two-way street. A friend of mine even remarked that he was like a tractor-beam with me...constantly watching me, and just talking to me. And my heart began to : freak out, get distracted, start distressing. Not because this is seriously the first glimpse of a Post-married relationship, but because I know nothing about this guy. I know his first name, the state he's from, and that he's a seminary student. I have nicknamed him CinderFella.

I'm so confused and distraught over this. Part of me is saying "God is in control, if its meant to be, it will happen" and part of me is saying "FIND THIS GUY AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE!"...I'm reminding myself to stay balanced and really stumbling into a progression of thoughts regarding "dating".

My first thought...the timing of things. I have had such revelations about having hope for my future and not worrying so much about it and then BAM, I meet Mr. Wonderful-CinderFella, who I may never see again. So I'm trying my hardest to stop being so distracted by it and to just trust God.

There I got it off my chest. My mind is a swirly-twirly vortex of confusion and excitement and frustration. Here's a few thoughts to leave you with, just so you can stop worrying about this muddled brain of mine.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams":
-Elanor Roosevelt

"...In dreams you will lose your heartache, Whatever you wish for you keep,
Have faith in your dreams and someday, Your rainbow will come smiling through..."
-A dream is a wish, from Cinderella

"I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry"
-Psalm 40:1

Lord...help me to be patient, and help my confusion!!!!

Actively Pursuing Hope...

2009-03-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

This is hopefully going to be a progression of blogs...I am gathering my thoughts and stumbling through some new feelings I have.

I have never been one with a proclivity towards having a strong sense of faith in the unknown. I have had an increasing and alarming rise in hopelessness in my life over the past few months. I could sit and blame it on the timeline of things I was experiencing (aka the one year anniversary), I could blame it on my complete lack of quiet time with God, I could blame it on anything and everything.

But I'm choosing not to blame it on anything, I'm going to stand up and take full blame for this one. In my head I had let a rush of fears come in, clouding my vision of the future, and leading me to a lane of pure hopelessness. I have walked with an intense fear that I will never find love again, I will never have a family, I will always be alone. I let this fear fill me more and more until I reached a crossroads. A crossroads where I could choose to continue in my destructive thought patterns or I could make the decision to Actively Pursue Hope.

So I'm trying. When my fears start to rise or the loneliness overwhelms to the point I feel as if I cannot breath, I push those thoughts out of my head. I am Choosing to pursue hope, to run after it full speed with my arms stretched open, reaching to grasp this beautiful unknown gift I have yet to fully understand, and the more I run after it the bigger it gets in my life. And until the next chapter of my life begins and my hope becomes reality, I am choosing to continue running after it without thought to the unknown I face.

"there is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off"

-Proverbs 23:18

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible"

-Christopher Reeve

"Sanity may be madness but the maddest of all,

is to see life as it is, and not as it should be"

-Don Quixote

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"

-Albert Einstein

"Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality,

If you can dream it, you can make it so"

-Belva Davis

This is my personal favorite~

"May the love hidden deep inside your heart

find the love waiting in your dreams.

May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow

Wipe away the pain in your yesterday"

-Unknown

For me, having hope for my future is definitely new territory for me. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment where I reached my crossroads. Maybe it was watching the movie "Yes Man", where the main character who was lonely and living a pathetic life was radically changed when he began to actually try things he never had before. Maybe it was watching a YouTube video of a baby rolling around in its Momma's tummy. Maybe it was watching the show "Say Yes to the Dress", where the show is all about brides picking out wedding gowns. I'm not sure if it was one thing in particular, but through the progression of things in my life lately, I can see a clear, and wonderful future for myself. A future full of love, restoration and Hope!

The more I dive into this subject, the more I'll write...

Another Ostrich day...

2009-02-10T17:39:00.000-08:00

And so the testing of my faith continues today...

"...Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything..." James 1:2-5

Day 2 of my " I wish I were an Ostrich, so I could bury head" continues. It has brought some interesting things to light though. Things that I'm sure more people struggle with than realize. Let's get over the basic understandings of the whole grieving process and the toll it takes on a person. I'm looking past all of that...I am in the final stages of grieving the loss of my husband, but in finding these final stages it has begun bringing some things in my heart to light...things that have been very hidden, very isolated, very dark.

Today I am not only grieving the loss of my husband, I am grieiving the loss of...

At this point, I'm going to take a step back...I'm finding it increasingly difficult to put into words what I'm feeling. To capture the true essence of how deeply hurting I am. I told someone today I feel "emotionally fractured". The subject I am hovering of, is simply the subject of deep hurts. Deep, buried hurts. Things that go so deep in your heart, that you don't realize you are still struggling with these hurts until something dredges them up from the bottom and once you realize how much you are really struggling, you then realize that you have no idea how to actually make things better. Its alot harder to say "self - stop hurting".

For me, its the whole subject of having a baby...or lack thereof.

I made a prediction that certain ones of my friends would be pregnant this year...and it has happened. Specifically two of my best friends are both pregnant. And the weight of this news has left me fractured. I am insanely happy for both of them. Happy that they are starting their family, that they didn't have fertility issues. I am happy that they are moving into this next phase of life.

But at the same time, I am incredibley sad. Saddened by the fact that God did not let us have a child. And saddened even more by the fact that my life has seemed to stop and begin going in reverse from the course I feel it should be on. Instead of people congratulating me on news of my pregnancy, I've had to listen to their sincere condolescenes. Instead of picking out nursery furniture with my husband, I was picking out a casket for my husband.

So as you can see, a deep well of pain is within me. And I feel like I'm struggling to gain my footing. Out of my own mouth today, I told someone that I loved the fact that God was using my situation to reach others, but I was ready for it to stop and that I just wanted to be normal. Most people cry out to God for Him to give them a ministry to reach others. I seem to be running from it.

But ultimately, at the end of the day (and several pieces of chocolate later)...I just have to sit back and remind myself Romans 8:28..

"...And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose..."

I so readily forget that I have been chosen for a purpose few can bear...a purpose that I was hand selected by the one who created me. "Many are called but few are chosen". Its a daunting task that requires me to be completely transparent yet still full of hope. Even as I'm sifting through these deep hurts that I haven't really found healing in, I am comforted in knowing that...

"...those that sow in tears, with reap with songs of joy..." Psalm 126:5

I'm being very real about this whole subject. Very Transparent. I am human and I hurt. But thankfully, I know that soon I will be singing songs of joy.

Some days I wish I were an Ostrich...

2009-02-09T09:26:00.000-08:00

No, seriously...some days I do. Why today of all days? I have my suspicions...

Dates and Anniversaries have always been a very huge part of my life. I look at each one with either intense joy or immense pain. Today I feel like February may be the worst month of the year...attribute is to a night of horrible sleeping, attribute is to a lack of vitamins in combination with a pathetic diet lately, or attribute it to the fact that a year ago my world fell apart.

Take your pick.

I am remembering vividly things I haven't thought about in a year. The fact that we had finished re-doing our bathroom and how proud I was of the job that Shannon did. I remember us having friends over and deciding it was time to celebrate Hallowuary (Halloween in February). I am remembering Valentines day especially - Shannon buying his dream guitar, us enjoying our favorite racqlette meal together, us going and staying at a hotel in Raleigh. I am remembering especially that fact that a year ago this week was the last time I was with my husband.

Despite these overwhelming emotions and this outpouring of memories I am feeling as I survey my life a year ago this month, I think of one thing very clearly. Romans 8 : 18-27.

"...I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will..."

These momentary troubles I am facing are instilling in me a gift more precious than anything in the world...glorious freedom and hope. The things I have been faced with throughout the past year have taught me so many things about who God truly is and how much He truly loves me. There are times where my heart and my head begin to become unbalanced with eachother, and its in these times where my focus begins to turn violently on me and in turn, this turn makes me feel like my world is falling apart at the seams. I begin to survey each and every problem with my life and how things turned out and doubt begins to creep into my life. Doubt that God really has a plan for me. And then this doubt turns to fear. Fear that I will always be alone. And then I begin to panic. When the panic begins, the Spirit of the Living God rushes in on me like a flood.

There is a line in a song that says "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking"...it always struck me as beautiful and odd. His grace is an ocean...an endless, life-giving body that sustains us, and all we have to do is let it overwhelm us. I love Grace.

As my heart is still pondering many, many things...many memories, many fears, I want to leave you with one thing. We had two very dear friends who went through a very tough time trying to have a baby. Shannon and I both spent many, many times praying and crying on behalf of this couple. The wife, who I love more than she'll ever know, told me a story about how her father had recounted the story in the bible that if we pray for bread, He won't give us stones...after I told Shannon this story and recounting to him about our own struggle with infertility and how I felt like God was giving me stones...he wrote this song. I haven't read this song in a few years, and I just stumbled upon it last night...the words though really spoke to me...

If I ask you for bread Why do I bear these stones

you say you'll never leave me But I feel so alone

Its hard to explain I don't always understand your ways

I refuse to lay down and die, won't let this moment pass me by

I'll build a ountain and I will over come

this pain that I'm feeling won't leave me undone

the purpose of the stones that you have brought me to

Was to build up a mountain so I could be close to you

If I really believe In everything you've said

then if this pain kills me you'll raise me from the dead

to trust and obey for me there is no other way

I'll hang on to faith, for today is the day

I truly understand that God is who He says He is...and with each new level of this understanding, I feel another part of my grave clothes slipping off my body...revealing a new, living person.

I love Grace.

Songs...

2009-02-02T18:56:00.000-08:00

I notice that at times during this journey, there are little things that God surrounds me with to bring me great encouragement. One of the biggest things he does is brings songs into my life that speak volumes to my heart. One such song is "Desert Song"... For months I had seen the title of this song, but did not ever take the time to actually listen to it. While on a road trip to Florida, I listened to the song and became instantly amazed. It personafies alot of the feelings I feel lately...I feel like I'm in a desert, but walking towards a great harvest...so without further adieu...here are the lyrics and further down the actual song itself.

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praiseI will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoiceI will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life In every season
You are still GodI have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

2009-01-31T21:23:00.000-08:00

This is what my reality looks like...

Psalm 103:1-4
Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,who redeems your life from the pit and
crowns you with love and compassion.

It is unbelievable to think that 11 months ago was the beginning of the end. I have struggled so much within the last week...struggled with my self-esteem, struggled with how I see God, struggled with feeling so alone. I keep hearing the title of the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" and I keep mumbling that the version I'm going to pen will be titled "When God Writes Your Death Story"...I know, that is a little morbid, but it's 100% honesty at its rawest. My mind has run rampant with pure and utter resentment towards the "perfects", people who seem to float through life with nothing but good things going their way. I have harbored bitterness in my heart towards people who are able to easily have a beautiful marriage, complete with beautiful babies. I have felt a brokenness within me, that if not contained could very well break my spirit and leave me the shattered-shadow of a person.

As you can see, its been pretty rough.

Now I realize that its all a mixture of natural human emotion and very specific spiritual warfare...and in keeping that in mind, I know that I have to keep my eye on the prize, that I have to keep praising my God. I look at Job, and he refused to "curse God and die"...he kept his eyes towards heaven. I look within myself and see an ocean of dreams waiting to be fulfilled and my only hope in this, is God. So as I enter into what I begin to believe may be a "tough month", I'm going to stand firm on God's truth that "sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning". I believe God is challenging me to hold on to my dreams and keep them close to my heart...despite present circumstances.

So Sarah Webb...what dreams are you holding on to.

To one day experience living life with the man that God is preparing for me...now I know this is going to be a tough job for whoever you are. You have incredibley large shoes to fill and you are going to have to be an absolutely exceptional person, full of integrity, strength, and love. I realize that I may not fit the mold of a typical person, but trust me when I say that I dance through life with a joy that most of the times is uncontainble. This last year has been a time of testing; testing of my character, testing of my inner strength, testing of my faith...but I promise you, that the sky is breaking and I can start to see the sun shine. And one day, when you look into my eyes, I will set your heart on fire with joy. One day you are going to read this, so I might as well keep going with my dreams. I want to adopt 6 children from all over the world...children who need a mom and dad to love them unconditionally, to give them a good life, to raise them up to be princes and princesses of God...I know that God has prepared me to be an amazing mom, and I'm sure you are going to be an amazing dad, and together we will impact young lives that in turn will impact the world. And as we cultivate our family and grow together in love, I also want a living room that is light yellow with stark white trim, a greenhouse in the backyard full of beautiful, growing plants, family dinners that have endless amounts of joyful laughter echoing throughout our home. These are my dreams, these are the things I hold dear in my heart.

So, 11 month anniversary...I can choose to be completely misreable and sad, and slide back into grieving...or I can choose to hold tight to my dreams, and get buckled in...because once you begin believing in your dreams, God takes you on a wild ride.I've shed enough tears...I'm now choosing to buckle my seatbelt.

As my heart breaks into a thousand pieces...

2009-01-08T07:27:00.000-08:00

Strength in numbers.

I open and read an email and proceed with reading a blog and my heart simply fell apart.

Let's begin at the beginning.

I was blessed enough to meet E. I will call her E because I'm not sure if she wants her name painted all over my blog. But in meeting E and talking with E, I found an extreme amount of comfort from her words. She too was a young widow, her husband suddenly dying, leaving her with two very small children. She gave me comfort, she gave me hope, she gave me love. It were her words that affirmed me and calmed my fears. She let the light of Christ shine through her heart into my email, and let her radiating love burst through my computer screen. I will always remember the blessing of E.

Today, a friend from school approached me about allowing another friend read my blog. Of course, I was thrilled at this...When I went online and looked at this new friends blog, my heart slowly began to unravel. By the end of the night after she had befriended me on facebook, sent me an email, and I spent a good amount of time looking at pictures and reading her blog...I can safely say that my heart is so heavy right now, I'm surprised it hasn't dropped right out of my chest. This new friend, another E, lost her husband a few months. And like myself, had been trying to have a baby. My heart broke into a thousand pieces reading her blog. I literally wanted to crawl through the computer screen and hug her. I would've never thought in a thousand years that would be two of us, so similar in circumstance.

And so to you, dear sweet E. My heart aches with the very thought of your situation and at the same it overflows with love. I leave you with this thought...

From Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

From Isaiah 54:10 "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

From Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

From Psalm 126:5-6 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy, He who goes out weeping carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with him My final thought...From Eccl 3:4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance

One day E, you will dance again...until then, His unwavering Love surrounds you.

You know you are getting better when...

2009-01-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

Your memories make you smile instead of break into tears.
When someone else's pain hurts you more than your own.
When you can tell someone else life really DOES go on.
one day you wake up and you don't have to remind yourself to breathe.
you want to find a way to leave your grief in the past.
you find you are actually enjoying living.
you can come home and be content in an empty house.

I found this at : http://www.widownet.org/

To Really See The Hands of God...

2008-10-09T20:13:00.000-07:00

"Into Your hands I commit my spirit,redeem me, Oh Lord, the God of Truth"
Psalm 31:5

So many people have made the comment that I am "strong" and they marvel at "my strength". In truth, this "strength" that I have is not me. Its something deeper than me. Something further than me. Its something that sustains me and can sustain you. This strength I walk in daily and find my comfort and peace was pre-ordained at this very moment for me. This strength that I have needed was prepared for me well in advance."For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and to not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future..." Jeremiah 29:11I wanted to share the story of how gracious and good God is to me. Well before Shannon died, God prepared my heart for the very moment of Shannon's passing. There are things about the time before he died that will really show the greatness and mercy of God. There are ten things that God revealed to me about Shannon dying...things revealed years ago, things revealed not so long ago...each thing though bore a lesson for me to learn and brought a comfort to me in a time where most people crumble under the grief.

1. The Mantle. Years ago I came to the realization that God was passing the Mantle of Keith Green on to me. Keith Green has always been one of my favorite musicians. The first song I ever learned on the piano was a Keith Green song. When I was a senior I did a report on Keith Green's amazing life and untimely death. I had settled it in my heart that God was passing on the passion and talent of Keith Green to me. I had commented this to Shannon quite often and made the observation that Shannon's music was similar to Keith Green's in his chord structure, lyrics, spirit, etc. Shannon had said to me that he felt that when God said that the mantle was being passed to me, that it was really our union and ministry. Keith Green was at the height of his ministry and success when he died at 29.

2. The Revelation. When we got married God revealed to me that Shannon and I would only have 7 years. I never shared this with Shannon, because Shannon was so convinced that we would be together for 50 years or more. But each time Shannon would get sick, my heart would be reminded of the revelation that God revealed to me. He let me begin the preparations in my heart for losing the love of my life.

3. The Example. One of my favorite books is "Through the Gates of Splendor" by Elisabeth Elliot. I actually got the opportunity to meet Elisabeth Elliot years ago and did not know the full depths of the amazing woman of God I was meeting. I read her book after I met her. She lost her husband, and her book bears witness to her devotion to God and how she handled her life afterwards. I have had Elisabeth Elliot listed as my hero on my myspace page for years.

4. The Mirror Image. One of my favorite books of all time is "Maggie-Now" by Betty Smith. In a nutshell, Maggie-Now marries a man, they can't have a baby and eventually he dies. The books is written so beautifully that you feel like you are a part of the story. I have read this book probably a dozen times...I came to the realization that I was so similar to Maggie-Now a few weeks.

5. The Preparation. Its no secret. On April 17th of this year we would've been trying to get pregnant for 3 very long years. I am the type of person when you go through some major life issue, I read every book I can put my hands on and do as much research as humanly possible. I had read in several places that dealing with infertility was similar to working through the grief process. So for almost 3 years, I have learned the grief process and put into practice recognizing the signs and how to call them as they are and deal with them. Every single month, I went through this process. I was mentally building up the ability to handle traumatic situations and to see God through the situations. Now that I look back I thank God that we did not have a child. God knew that I couldn't handle being a single mother. He also gave us 4 1/2 beautiful years of an awesome marriage.

6. The Feeling. 3 weeks before Shannon died, I had this random, eerie internal conversation where I said to myself "I hope Shannon doesn't die" Then I talked myself through what I would do if he ever died. I think the movie "PS I Love You" or "Catch and Release" triggered this conversation in my head. I didn't think much of it at the time and just brushed it off. God let me start to think about the what-ifs...

7. The Contentment. On New Years Eve I made the public proclamation that in 2008 I would content in WHATEVER happened. I put that into practice and started leaning more on God and focusing less on the whole baby issue. Shannon and I began a merging of our souls, where we truly became one person. Our individual goals become our common goals. Our thoughts were centered on Christ and Each other. Our relationship had gone to an amazing new level.

8. The Peace. The day before Shannon left for Virginia, he stood in the kitchen exclaiming to me that he was in the best place he had ever been in his life. He said he was doing better mentally, physically (even using the phrase "that stomach stuff is way behind me now"), and spiritually. He said that for the first time in a very long time he was walking with God. When you lose someone you love, there's always that uneasiness about where they "go'. I had no question in my head about it. I knew that God had been preparing Shannon for his final departure. That god had arranged people in his path to encourage him and spiritually lift him up. He lived the last 2 months of his life with intense integrity, indescribable peace, and unstoppable faith.

9. The Promise. Years ago we went on a Sunday School trip to the mountains where a pastor spoke over me. I wrote down what he said. It never made sense until Shannon died. I'm only going to put bits and pieces of it, but you can totally get the picture..."...you shall see my power and my anointing flow through you...I have set you on this path and it is my desire to lead you and guide you into the fullness of my will for your life...follow my peace, follow my peace, and I shall lead and guide you in the things that still lie ahead. For you too this is a day of restoration. That which you've seen to consider lost, I still hold. Those things that have been trampled over and seem gone forever are still able in me...look for those things to be restored...so do not give up or give out, For I pour in today so that you may pour out"

10. The Future. God has spoken in my heart things about my future. Things that only He and I know. But He has given me a promise and a hope of what is to come.I stand amazed at the steps that God has ordered during this situation. God gave me 10 confirmations that this whole situation, as dire as it may appear...is completely in His hands. I see myself sitting in his hands...surrounded by His ten fingers... I sit in the palm of His hands, surrounded by his peace...He gave me these ten things to comfort and bring me hope about my future and my destiny. He gave me these promises and warnings and feelings so that I could prepare my heart for this event in my life. This event that drives people to the point of death and despair, this even that leaves people broken and lost forever...God has given me a supernatural peace and an insane faith to take what seems to a bad situation and has shown me that no matter what I do, what I feel, where I go...God is in control and everything is going to be okay.Most people take 12-18 months to really start healing from a traumatic situation like this. I thank God that I can say I am walking in that healing and my faith is being perfected through this. So I leave one final thought...right before the Sunday school trip, God lead me to a series of verses that revealed a huge message for me...for anyone really...

He IS our peace.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life...Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus...Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with you all...I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances...Therefore strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet so that you may not be disabled, but rather healed...Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you...I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone O Lord, make me dwell in safety"

2008-09-28T18:40:00.000-07:00

When Shannon died, everyone seemed to have advice. But two pieces of advice stuck with me...first, you don't have to operate under anyone else's timetable regarding your healing and second, write down what you want in your future spouse and really strive to stick to it.

I came to the conclusion recently that I feel like I am ready to date. For some people this is an unfathomable concept to them..."it's only been 7 months". From that thought alone springs forth all sorts of judgment calls from other people, and judgment calls on yourself. You start to believe that everyone is judging you, that they are constantly thinking to themselves that you really didn't love your husband, that you disregard your marriage & think of it as nothing. That is further from the truth. As a widow that will always be a part of your heart that will belong solely to your first husband. Once you work through all your emotions, hurts, baggage, and memories, there exists in your mind a deep appreciation of your life with him, who you became because of him, and how special that relationship was. Even when you remarry (or if you don't remarry) there will always be that place just for him.

Personally I am still working through that place in my heart. Lately, it is developing into a deep sense of appreciation for the things I learned from him, with him, and through him. No marriage is perfect, as we all know it, but with each trial comes a deeper level of learning and character development. I loved Shannon insanely and intensely, but there were many things he did that hurt me deeply. It took losing him for me to unapck each unhappy memory, deal with it, and then focus solely on the beautiful memories we had. After practicing this excercise several times, you come to realize that you have more beautiful memories than bad ones, and that place in your heart becomes a sweet fountain of precious memories bursting forward.

When I finally settled it in my heart, that I think I have sufficiently healed emotionally, and that I am ready to dive back in to that scary world known as dating, I began to think alot about expectations. In my head I kept saying "my next husband won't do this" or "my next husband will be this way"... I invented my next husband to be perfect, without flaws, and ready to take me on as his wife and live happily ever after in our snowflake castle in the sky.

Then my internal brakes starting grinding to a sudden halt and I shouted to myself "Sarah Webb...your expectations are going to get the best of you. You need to start thinking".

Expectation brings manifestation, or so I've heard. But one thing I have learned through this journey is that unhealthy expectations, or unrealistic expectations, have a tendency to create a world that will bring more heartache than hope. Where do we draw the line though between what is a healthy expectation versus an unrealistic one? It begins by examining yourself and coming to an intense realization of who you are, where you are going, and who you want to be with when you get there.

My expectations about my future spouse were getting to the point where he was literally Superman, and we were going to have the greatest life ever. Once I discovered that I was going crazy with my expectations, I sat and really considered what I wanted in my next spouse. I first realized that he probably isn't going to be perfect and that we will have to work at our relationship. In addition, there are certain things I want him to be...I'm not by any means putting him into a box, but a few things I want is someone with integrity, someone who can laugh at me, someone who can appreciate my randomness, someone who will take care of me, etc. I also began attending a class on "Choosing Mr.Right", it outlines past relationships, expectations, and helps you to establish thought processes when considering relationships. In this class I began to think constructively about people I thought I would just "love" to date...I have an internal conversation with myself about the qualities that would make them a good husband, and then red flags that would be something I wouldn't want to deal with...and I discovered, that all these people that I would just "love" to date, I really don't want to date at all!

With all of this said, know what you want. Commit it prayerfully to the Lord, and really stick to your standards. My greatest struggle since Shannon has died has been my self-esteem, and I will not lie when I say that there are many times that I am so lonely, that I could fall in love with any guy that simply shows me attention. BUT. I know that I deserve better. I know that I owe it to myself to keep my standards high, know what I want, and simply pray daily for my future husband. Its easy to find a husband, however it takes alot more prayer, patience, and faith to find your soul mate.

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart.

Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and

lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:3-6

So this is where it begins...

2008-09-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy,

He who goes out weeping carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with him"

Psalm 126:5-5-6

You have woken up one day and become a widow. Thats all it took was one day. Your spouse might have been sick for a very long time and you have watched him suffer. He might have died in a freak accident that no one could see coming. He might have died peacefully in his sleep. No matter how he died, all it took was one day and you have entered into this scary and frightening world of widowhood.

There's nothing you can do to prepare for being a widow. No amount of books or counseling is going to help you get through this time. Being a widow is almost like becoming a first time parent. You can read every book on the face of the earth and get all the advice that people willingly lend, but nothing will truly prepare for the process until you are actively working through it and discovering for yourself what it entails. You will go through every range of emotion known to man. You will feel on some days that you are losing your mind, and on other days you will actually feel normal. On some days it will feel like the strength is literally seeping from your body and draining slowly from your spirit.

But.

You will get through this.

This is my story. I am no expert by any means, but I have been where you are and I know how you are feeling. I have experienced the intense pain you are feeling and my prayer is that this blog will wrap its arms around your heart and help you through this time, because I know how lonely you are. I know how afraid you are of whats going to happen in the future. I know how much you miss him. I know that your heart is breaking and you feel completely alone.

But you aren't alone.

I got married young, at 21 after an 11 month courtship with Shannon. I knew we would get married and began asking him after a month of dating when he was going to propose. We had a beautiful marriage, full of romance, sacrifice, and joy. It was not perfect by any means. We endured his constant sickness, infertility, and the normal everyday hardships of marriage, but we made our marriage beautiful. We made it fun. We made it as happy as possible. Shannon had been sick with Pancreatitis off and on for the duration of our 4 1/2 year marriage, but each time he got better. Each time we became more appreciative of our time together, knowing how dangerous Pancreatitis was.

He went to visit some friends in Virginia one weekend and became ill. By the time I reached the hospital the next day he was incoherrent and slowly going into shock. The Drs put him into a drug induced coma and a ventilator, hoping to give his body a break. But as the week wore on, we knew that the inevitable was happening and he was dying. His organs had all began shutting down and he developed a serious blood coagulation problem and by Friday he had bled into his brain and he was essentially dead, only kept alive by those machines.

On Saturday morning at approximately 12:36am, I became a widow. In one day I lost my entire world, my best friend, my husband. In one day.

The process of grieving hasn't been easy or a fun experience, but I have learned a multitude of lessons that have enriched my life. Through this process I have learned things about myself I never knew and have learned things about the way I think about the future.

My prayer is that you will draw comfort, wisdom, humor, and love from this blog. I have been where you are and I know how much it hurts, but I also know how great is the love of God, and how His comforting embrace will sustain you.

"May your unfailing love be my comfort..."

Psalm 119:76a

2008-09-12T19:29:00.000-07:00

Purpose :
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:1-3